


it's all in vain

by yxrtyu



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asphyxiation, Cussing, Dirty Talk, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Shower Sex, This shit is sad, Underage Drinking, Wall Sex, gina actually really moved away after the musical, this is not a happy rina and it is endgame rini
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:46:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23904853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yxrtyu/pseuds/yxrtyu
Summary: It's been four years since Gina was a part of High School Musical at East High, since she last saw Ricky and developed a crush on him, four years since he got back together with Nini.Feelings that she packed away came surging back when she sees Ricky for the first time in four years, who beams at her, and she feels like she's sixteen and in love all over again.Or how Gina knows, denies, and finally accepts that she will always be second best.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Gina Porter, Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 21
Kudos: 63





	it's all in vain

**Author's Note:**

> I have mad RJ WIPs that I stopped all for this monster brainchild of mine. This literally screamed at me, and I just poured the whole thing over on google docs. 
> 
> Big trigger warning for one scene in which there is rough, angry sex, in which insults are said and there's lot of manhandling. Please skip if you can't stomach it; I'd rather you be safe. It starts after she has dinner with Big Red and Ricky. You can skip to where she wakes up with Ricky's note next to her.
> 
> Title is from Wet's "It's All in Vain".

i'll close my eyes then I won't see  
the love you _don't_ feel when you're holding me  
**_morning_** will come and i'll do what's **right**  
just give me 'til then to give up this fight  
  
and i will give up this fight

\- "I Can't Make You Love Me", Bonnie Raitt

* * *

To say that Gina is surprised when she spots Ricky at some dingy dive bar during happy hour in the heart of Boston in the absolute dead of winter is an understatement. She has to take a second look, squint, wonder if it’s really him, walk away to meet her friends, look back again for a third time, think how it’s impossible that he’s there, greet every single one of her friends with a hug and kiss, pretend to go to the bathroom to walk past him to look a fourth time to finally see that it is indeed Ricky Bowen, head still full of curls and looking a little bit taller and a little bit older. He looks less high school skater boy and more college student, specifically the kind of male student that figured out how to dress themselves nicely, decked out in a sweater cardigan with a form fitting shirt underneath, showing off pectorals she never knew he had, dark wash jeans that he fills out in all the right places letting her know he’s not skipping leg day, and a nice pair of dark brown chukkas. It’s a good look, she appraises from afar. 

Then she sees him looking at her, a question in his own eyes, and she just wants to duck and high tail it out of there, but it’s too late because now she sees him recognize her, a big smile drawn out on his face. It’s the same smile that she forced herself to forget so long ago, packed away in a big, big box full of broken and forgotten friendships and what if’s, and she finds herself at 16 years old all over again.

He crosses the room to her, his face beaming, and she has to remember to breathe and smile back. 

“Gina? Is that you?” he says as he approaches, his voice a little bit deeper than she remembers. It warms her up, sending tingles from her head to her toes.

“Ricky Bowen! Surprised to see you here all the way from Salt Lake City,” she greets back, smirk on her own face, trying to appear cool as a cucumber. It’s a facade she likes to keep up these days, and she hopes Ricky likes the look.

“I knew it was you. Come here!” He opens his arms to her, and she can’t help but smile widely as she wraps her arms around his waist. It’s insane to her how she remembers how his hugs feel, so snug and warm and just uplifting all at once, and it’s even better now that he packed on muscle. He steps away from her, his hands trailing down her arms and grabbing at her elbows, a blaze of fire left in their wake. “Geez, it’s been, like, what, forever ago?”

She rolls her eyes. “I’ve only known you for four years. High school really wasn’t that long ago, Ricky.”

“Still, I haven’t seen you since you moved away. How have you been?”

How has she been since she had to leave the first good thing she had going for her and move to wherever her mom’s job whisked away? Besides the part where she still hopped from wherever FEMA places them for the following years after for a total of four times before attending university, making and losing friends and expecting nothing from them along the way? 

“Been alright. College, y’know?” she plainly says with a shrug.

“I hear you. I have so much to do,” he laments in agreement. 

“Ah, but yet, here you are, partaking in the people’s vice in this gross bar.”

He raises a brow at her accusingly. “Are you even 21?”

“Not me, but Jessica Blake from Connecticut is,” she says coyly with a wink.

It gets a laugh out of him, and Gina is 16 and stupid and hopeful.

They exchange numbers and hugs, and she goes to sleep that night and dreams of honey brown eyes and curls and big toothy smiles all for her and only her.

* * *

She waits one day, two days, and three days, until he finally texts her asking if she wants to grab dinner with him to catch up. They meet in a small Tibetan restaurant in Cambridge, not too far for her from Boston University, but the freezing winter makes it seem longer when walking outside, which she brushes off because it’s for Ricky. As soon as she rushes inside, she’s greeted by a blast of heat to her face, thankful to be safe from the harsh icy winds. She looks around and takes in the warm yellow lighting overlaying the deep mahogany wood and white walls and sees Ricky sitting at a two person table situated next to a short divider in the room. When he sees her walking towards him, he sends a big smile that has her melting from the cold. 

He asks if she had trouble getting here, she says no trouble at all, doesn’t mention the awful bite from the wind chill. She asks if he’s eaten here before; she has never heard of this place. He says he really enjoys the food here, and she takes a mental note while he lets her know what’s good. They order, they talk about classes and exams, demanding professors and new friends that keep them sane. The food comes, and they eat, him catching her up to speed with all the people she met back at East High and her simply listening and inserting inputs here and there. (She’s interested in their lives to an extent; they do hold a special place in her heart, but she doesn’t think she’ll ever pick up where it ended.) He asks if she still dances, and she simply says no with a practiced expression that she has used over the years that hides her heartbreak. She asks if he still sings and plays the guitar, and he tells her here and there, but he doesn’t write anymore. She notices the dull of the shine in his eyes. 

“Still with Nini?” she asks as soon the waiter takes their plates away. 

Ricky smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Ah, no, we decided to break up. She’s in the UK right now studying, and well, I’m here in the states.” He shrugs, but his shoulders slump forward. “It’s for the best anyway.”

Gina knows she should feel bad, but the hope that was planted has sprouted already, and to her, she sees an opportunity out of the situation. 

“I’m sorry,” she offers consolingly, and it surprises her how easily sad she sounds. 

“Don’t be,” he says with a wave of the hand, trying to appear unaffected, but she can see so easily right through him; he’s always been an open book. “It’s only been two years since we broke up anyways.”

She puts on a carefully placed frown, adding just enough sympathy to it. “It’s okay to still be upset by it. She meant a lot to you.” Her hand itches to reach forward to touch his, but now’s not the time, so she puts it under her thigh. The next words coming out of her hurt, but she knows it’s the truth since it was the same for her: “You’ll always love her. And that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that so long as you learn from your time together and grow from it so that you’re ready for the next person who comes in your life.” 

He looks at her, astounded, lips slightly parted and brown eyes wide. Then his lips quirk up in that cute smile of his. “You must be some relationship guru because that sounds like something one would say.” 

“I wouldn’t say relationship guru.” Gina only tilts her head and shrugs her shoulders, playing up her cuteness. “Just something I’ve learned over the years.”

“I wonder who had you learn that,” Ricky wonders out loud before they’re interrupted by the waiter bringing the check. 

She thinks of the man in front of her who was a boy back then who taught her the same lesson, except deep down she never practiced what she had just preached.

* * *

The semester goes on like it usually does: written exams and lab practicals every other week or so with bullshit classes to bring up her GPA. She still goes out with her friends, drinking and dancing the night away, exploring what Boston has to offer, taking dance classes here and there with the local dance crews to keep up with the times, but this time around, Ricky is there. Even though they go to different schools, him in Northeastern and her in Boston, they make time for each other. They grab lunch to take a break from the stress, study together at each other’s campuses, go out drinking and have a good time (she has to stop herself from getting plastered like she usually does out of fear of doing something embarrassing that would push him away). Even if they’re not together, she finds herself texting only him throughout the day. 

It gets to the point when it’s one of the many hell weeks where Gina finds herself staying way too late at Ricky’s campus and the last train has already left.

“Just stay over,” he tells her with a yawn. “I’d rather have you stay than spend money on an Uber.”

She’s exhausted, but now her mind is wired from the way her heart pounds at the mere mention of being at Ricky’s place. “Where would I sleep, though?”

“I have an apartment not too far from here. I’ll let my roommate know you’ll be staying over.” He whips out his phone and starts typing out a text, releasing another yawn unashamedly. “You can stay in my bed, and I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

So she sleeps over in his bed that night and burrows herself in his covers, breathing in his scent of citrus and spice. She feels warm and cozy and wonders what it would be like if the owner of the smell was actually surrounding her, and she falls asleep thinking of strong arms and warm brown eyes. 

The next morning, she finds herself staring at him, a different sight in the morning compared to what she usually sees in the afternoon and at night. His bed of curls is in disarray as he squints groggily at her in the morning light that brightens him up so beautifully that she wishes she could see it more. His sleepy face is too adorable, and the way he greets her “good morning”, his voice raspy bordering on husky (and dangerously sexy), has her stomach flaring up and thinking about hearing it closer to her ear. As soon as he grabs whatever he needs in his room to shower, she shakes herself out of her teenage girl stupor and busies herself to get her mind off of him and what he looks like underneath the showerhead. 

She makes breakfast for both of them, preparing eggs benedict because his fridge actually has all the ingredients for it. It isn’t until she’s plating that she notices him staring at her wide eyed and in awe, jaw slightly hanging.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks warily. She looks away to hide her flustered face and occupies herself with generously spooning the hollandaise sauce on top of the poached eggs. She has been looked at like that many times, starstruck boys and girls who were infatuated with her with few actually falling for her, but it’s so different coming from him, and it makes her heart race and fill with hope. 

He shuts his mouth and smiles sheepishly, blush coloring his cheeks. “Sorry. Just… no one has made a full meal for me besides, uh, Lynne. Not even Nini.”

The admission, especially the last part, makes her chest swell with pride, and she thinks that she finally has a first over the past. Despite this small victory, she tries to contain her excitement, tries hard not to look at Ricky like she has a crush on him, so she resumes her task. She feels him over her shoulder, his chest nearly touching her back, the heat of him coming through his shirt and caressing her skin, and she can’t help but freeze at the proximity and warmth she feels.

“Wow, that’s super fancy,” he remarks, his voice so close to her ear. The heat is gone as he steps away to look at her. “Let me guess: YouTube?”

“No, Ricky, I went to France and trained under Chef Michel Laurent,” Gina manages to say with her usual snark. Upon seeing him sputtering nervously, she relaxes as a laugh comes out of her. “I’m messing with you, dude. I watched it on YouTube.”

She moves to put the plates on his tiny square kitchen table that’s already set up with forks and knives on top of napkins. The sunlight streaming through the window passes through the glasses she has placed next to the plates, refraction in play creating crystals and tiny rainbows on the table. Ricky sits next to her and hits her with a big smile, hair still messy and tired eyes a little bit more awake. His entire right side is glowing from the sun, and she has to remind herself to breathe.

“Thanks for breakfast, Gina.”

She mumbles out a “no problem” before she digs in, enjoying the comfortable silence and the way Ricky visibly and audibly appreciates the food. At this moment, this perfect moment full of sunshine and rainbows, it’s hard for her not to imagine her mornings like this all the time, and she secretly desires for this to happen again soon.

Her wish does come true, except it happens the other way around, and he insists on sleeping on the floor of her shared dorm as he is a gentleman and prefers “his lady friends not to be uncomfortable”. She lies awake thinking of how close yet how far apart they are from each other, and she can easily peer over her bed to see him sleeping on the spare blanket that she had lying around. It looks very uncomfortable, and she wants to wake him up and tell him to lie down next to her on her tiny dorm bed, but he somehow is asleep. 

Morning comes, and he’s nowhere to be found. She’s about to text him when he walks in her door with two paper plates of scrambled eggs and toast.

“I wanted to return the favor. Now I’m no gourmet cook, but I can make mean creamy scrambled eggs,” he tells her with a wink after he sets her plate on her desk. 

The eggs are way too undercooked for them to be even considered creamy, but she smiles all the same at him, her heart continuing to fill up with happiness. 

It’s a new routine she practices now, most of it being with Ricky. She was so against change before, always wanting some sense of normalcy, which never came easy when she was the daughter of a FEMA employee. Then college started, and she was finally able to stay rooted in one place for at least a year until she had to fly back home to wherever her mother was for break. But with Ricky’s arrival back into her life, becoming her study buddy and sleeping at each other’s places, she welcomes the change with open arms and embraces it, not wanting to let go. 

* * *

Just like that, winter has left and spring peeked its head with summer on its tail. The semester was finally over, and as gruesome and long as it was, Gina thinks it might be one of her favorite semesters by far despite only finishing her second year with four more years to go. To celebrate, she goes out drinking with her friends from her physical therapy major, with whom she had grown close to over the past two years and who have noticed the change in her behavior since she started hanging out with Ricky.

“Where’s Ricky?” Roxy, her closest friend from her major, asks. The man next to her, Dylan, another friend from their major, elbows her harshly, to which she replies with her best scowl.

“I don’t know, but I want to be with you guys. We suffered together,” Gina says it straight, ignoring the longing she feels at the bottom of her stomach. She pushes the thought of the curly haired man to the back of her mind. “Therefore, we must get shwasty together.”

“I mean, yeah, but Ricky’s your boo thang. He should be here with you!” her friend exclaims before she is once again elbowed by Dylan. “OW! Dylan, stop! I’m trying to get Gina laid.”

“Uh, what?” Gina’s utterly embarrassed by the statement as she looks between the two of them in confusion. 

“You’re literally making her uncomfortable,” Dylan finally speaks up, a pointed glare at the shorter girl. 

“What? You AGREED with me that the sexual tension between the two of them was unbearable!”

At that, Gina spews out the beer she had been drinking. Roxy and Dylan, who were in her line of fire, look at her in disdain, the brew all over their faces and hair and dripping onto their high table. 

“I’m sorry,” she starts as she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Her lipstick smears off, which she notes in disappointment, but that’s not her priority at the moment. “What the fuck did you just say?”

“You two literally run around each other in circles, and the way you both look at each other is way too cute, it’s honestly annoying,” Roxy huffs as she pats dry her face, trying to avoid ruining her makeup. 

“Roxy!” Dylan protests weakly, but Gina sees that he’s losing all willpower to keep him from… whatever he does not want to do.

“Fucking back me up, Dylan, instead of just standing there and denying every goddamn thing!”

The young man sighs deeply before finally turning to Gina with a small frown on his face. “To be really honest, this is the happiest that we have ever seen you in the two years that we have known you, and we really think you should shoot your shot.” 

The earnestness on both of their faces blows her away. She really thought that she had been doing a good job in hiding her feelings, but it appears to be that she’s been nothing but transparent, her heart on her sleeve for everyone and the world to see, including Ricky. 

“We both think he feels the same. The way he looks at you, I mean, c’mon. It’s all over his face.”

Their words are too much for her to take in, and the thought of reaching out to Ricky has her nerves awry. There is absolutely no way she can just go up to him right now and confess, not while she’s so painstakingly aware of her heart pounding against her chest, so she rushes to the bar, squeezing between people while trying not to spill her beer. When she finally reaches her destination, she takes a deep breath and waits for the bartender. She feels Roxy and Dylan come up behind her, but she’s too embarrassed to even look at them.

“Sheesh, I don’t get how you can move so fast in this crowd, girl,” Roxy comments from her side. Her friend’s eyes are on her, but Gina still isn’t willing to look her in the eyes and tell them what she really feels, how much she likes Ricky, how long she’s liked him. 

The music smoothly transitions from a chill R&B to a more upbeat, hype vibe, and the song has Roxy and Dylan screaming about it as they sing along to the lyrics. The bartender finally makes her way over to Gina, and all she asks is for six shots of cheap whiskey, which is served quickly. She hands two to Roxy, another two to Dylan, and she holds her own two shots in her hands. 

“Are we taking both? Please tell me we’re not taking both,” Dylan says nervously, then he takes a sniff of the alcohol and gags, the motion starting from his stomach going all the way up to his mouth. “I really don’t want to.”

“Buck up, bitch, we’re third years now!” Roxy all but shouts in his ear. She raises both her glasses towards the middle of them. 

Gina laughs at her friends’ antics. She mimics Roxy while Dylan halfheartedly puts his own shots up, clearly not looking forward to what’s going to happen next. “To another year down.”

They all move to take their first shot, Gina wincing at the burn of the alcohol sliding down her throat. When she takes her second one, Roxy smirks and raises her second shot, saying, “To Gina and Ricky possibly boning.”

The toast has Gina choking on her shot, leading her into a coughing fit. Dylan, after he downs his second one, lightly thumps on her back with his hand and shouts at another bartender for some water. Roxy only cackles at Gina’s expense.

“Fuck, goddamn it, Roxy, we’re not going to bone. He doesn’t like me like that,” Gina attempts to convince her friends, but mostly herself, denying how he looks at her with a smile that puts her in a daze. The way he brightens up visibly when he sees her approaching him. His arms around her every time they greet each other, every time they bid each other farewell. She shakes her head to rid herself of the silly teenage girl dreams.

“You never know until you shoot your shot,” her friend sings, a knowing look on her face. Then her expression changes to one of gleeful mischief, an idea popping into her head plain on her face, which has Gina and Dylan both groaning. “More shots!”

“Oh my god, let’s relax. We literally just took two,” Dylan complains, which Gina is ultimately grateful for. “She has to at least remember the boning.”

She groans, really not liking all the attention towards her apparent feelings for Ricky. “Can we, like, not do this right now? I’m trying to forget this conversation ever happened.”

“Or are you trying to get some liquid courage in you?” Roxy raises her eyebrow in suspicion. She cheekily grins and slings an arm around Gina’s neck and pulls her down to her much shorter height, causing her to bend over awkwardly at an angle. She calls over one of the bartenders who, to Gina’s misfortune, appears right away and takes her order of three more shots of whiskey. “If that’s the case, I fully support you. But don’t worry; you’ll remember. Just enough to send him a text saying you’re down to fuck.”

* * *

It’s half past midnight, and Gina is pretty drunk after just five shots of whiskey: the first two around 9:30 and the last three spaced out 45 minutes to an hour in between. (She has this down to a science, and she had long ago figured out her max was around 6-7 shots before she would wake up hungover.) Roxy is blasted out of her mind, with Gina and Dylan, who designated himself as “the responsible one” and only took the first two, at her sides to help her move around. 

“Ginaaaa, where’s your phone?” Roxy asked, speech slurred. She’s breathing heavily and looking at Gina with her eyes barely open. “We need to text Ricky that you want to fu-”

“Alright, Rox, our ride is here,” Dylan interrupts loudly as the ride service pulls up to the curb. He turns to Gina, concern showing on his face. “Will you be alright?”

The world is slightly spinning, and she feels warm and bubbly inside. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.” 

“Okay.” Dylan securely deposits the small girl into the car before turning back to Gina. He takes out his wallet and pulls something from it and puts it in her hand. “Be safe!”

He gets in the car before she can say anything to him and watches as the Uber drives away. She looks down in her hand and sees one of the condoms that the resident life association handed out to them not too long ago and laughs at the sight of it. Shaking her head, she pockets it before she takes out her phone and scrolls through her messages to finally text the man she had been wanting to see since the night started.

00:47 **Gina** sends: _hey, where are you_

She starts to walk to nowhere and takes deep breaths to steady her vision, trying not to cast all her hopes on a text back. So she is certainly surprised and elated when her phone vibrates and she sees an immediate response from Ricky.

00:48 **Ricky** sends: _hey! i’m at the tasty burger near me._

00:48 **Ricky** sends: _you hungry?_

A small smile appears on her face as she texts him that she’ll be there soon.

* * *

She’s drunk, but she can spot Ricky from miles away, see that smile from outer space. That’s how much he shines, like he’s the burning hot sun, and she can stare at it forever despite warnings of not looking straight at the sun. 

She’s drunk, and she has a slight hop to her step before she crashes into his side, arms looped around his waist. He laughs as he turns around and gives her the biggest hug ever. She peers over to see his roommate, Wes, whom she has hung out with whenever she stayed over their place, and bounds over to him to also give him a friendly hug. It’s not as tight or as nice as Ricky’s, but she likes him enough to enjoy it. When they break apart, she stands close to Ricky, inhales his musk and the alcohol off of him, purposely knocking her hand against his.

She’s drunk, and she eyes the Tasty sauce at the corner of his mouth and wants to lick it off. She ends up swiping it away with her thumb before returning to her own burger.

She’s drunk, and she wants to jump for joy when Wes announces that he’ll be staying over his girlfriend’s place. She drinks from Ricky’s milkshake instead.

She’s drunk, and she can’t stop giggling as she’s running through the streets of Boston with Ricky on her tail, who claims that he’ll beat her to his apartment. He gives her a playful shove to the side, making her fall onto the lawn in front of his building. She’s having so much fun, she can’t even breathe because she can’t stop laughing, tears forming in her eyes. 

She’s drunk, and she bows her head onto Ricky’s collarbone, breathing in his scent of citrus and spice along with the alcohol that he drank. He opens his door, and she feels a squeeze of his hand on her waist, his touch burning her. He tugs her by the hand to get her into the apartment.

She’s drunk, and she pulls him into his room, pushes him onto his bed, and falls on top of him.

She’s drunk, and she tastes burgers, pickles, peanut butter, and Jameson.

She’s drunk, but she keeps her mouth shut from spilling out “I love you” when stars burst in front of her eyes and fire consumes her entire body.

* * *

When Gina wakes up, she’s greeted by the sight of Ricky’s pale neck, connected to a chiseled and very much naked chest littered with small bruises here and there. Her eyes continue down to fall upon his arm around her waist, a solid weight that reaffirms his presence. She looks up to find him still asleep, mouth slightly open and lightly stained with her lipstick. Reaching up with a hand, she traces his lips, swollen from her kisses, and moves on to outline the details on his face, enjoying how the morning sun paints a pretty picture out of him. Her touch stirs him, and his eyes flutter open, revealing warm brown eyes to her.

“Morning,” she says breathlessly as she continues tracing his features with her fingertips.

“Morning.” His voice is husky, and it reminds her of last night, whispers of promises and praises stirring the heat in her belly once more. 

He sits up and yawns and stretches his arms, giving her a delicious view of his back muscles decorated with scratch marks. Filled with a need to feel his skin once more, she sits up, too, and wraps her arms around his waist and leans onto his back, pressing an open mouthed kiss to his shoulder. She feels him freeze, but she thinks it’s out of surprise, so she moves to press some more kisses only to stop when he stands up. 

“Ricky?” She reaches out, but hesitates when he moves away, going to where his briefs were and putting them on. 

“Listen, Gina,” he starts after he’s clothed, but he doesn’t face her. She bites on her bottom lip, afraid of what he is going to say, and prepares her heart’s defense, pulling the blanket up to cover her naked self. “Last night… It was good. Really good, actually.” He takes in a deep breath and turns around to look at her, apologies swimming in his eyes. “I just… I don’t want anything to come out of this is all.”

“Yeah, for sure,” Gina says automatically, her voice steady and not betraying how her heart broke just a little. “That’s okay. I’m fine with just fooling around.”

“Gina, I’m serious—”

“I’m serious, too, Ricky. We can still be friends. Just… friends who have sex with each other. That’s okay with me.”

He looks at her skeptically, worriedly even, and she deems that she hates that look on his face. He lets out a sigh as he runs a hand through his curls. “I never meant to hurt you. I just… I’m really not over Nini, you know.”

‘Ah,’ she thinks. ‘There it is. There’s the truth that I have been so willing to ignore.’ 

“I thought… I thought I was last night. I thought I was for a while, actually, after we’ve been hanging out so much this past semester. I grew to like you. A lot.” He moves to sit down next to her, but she notices the distance between the two of them, sees how he’s nowhere within reach of her. “But… I… It’s just… I didn’t really feel anything. It was just sex. That’s it.”

It hurts a lot more than she thought it would, but it doesn’t matter. She’ll be okay. She’ll be fine.

“Yeah, that’s all it was.” It’s a big fat lie coming out of her mouth, but she’s always been good at acting, and she wasn’t going to fail now. She lets the blanket fall from her chest and lies back down, stretching her body languorously. She smirks as she sees his blackened eyes follow her curves. “So, now that we’ve established that… Are we going to fuck or what?”

When he’s deep inside her, she has to remind herself that she’ll be okay, that she’ll be fine. They’re both just lonely and need a warm body. She knows what she’s getting into, and she’ll get over it. 

She doesn’t want anything more.

* * *

Gina huffs as she drops the last of the boxes containing her belongings into the one bedroom apartment. Wiping the sweat off her brow with the back of her forearm, she takes a good look around the space, loving the amount of natural light coming in to brighten it. It’s an old building, with four floors full of apartments and no elevator, the pipes are exposed for everyone to see, and there’s no central air, so it’s awfully hot and humid in the apartment, but she loves it, and she can’t wait to make a home out of it.

“You know, I really thought you would have a lot more shit than this considering you’re a girl.”

She turns around to see Ricky dropping the memory foam mattress that she ordered off of Amazon next to her apartment door. Her mouth goes dry when he picks up the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face, his abs glistening with sweat. When she realizes it’s been too quiet for a little bit too long, she turns back around and inspects her apartment again, ignoring the questioning yet innocent eyebrow raise he was giving her.

“When you move around a lot, you tend not to hold onto things. Just keep the bare minimum, and that’s it.” She inhales deeply, smelling a fresh coat of paint and old wood, and exhales, a big ‘aah’ echoing throughout the living room. She turns to him with her hands on her hips and rolls her eyes when she sees him shuffling around nervously, a small frown on his face. “It’s fine, Ricky. That was my life before. No need to pity a girl like me.”

“I wasn’t pitying you! I mean, I—” Ricky’s a mess, and she can’t help but laugh at him floundering around. He groans and hides his face in mortification. “Whatever. Can we please just get this air conditioner installed? I’m dying.”

They attempt to, but as soon as they almost have it fixed in position, it falls out, a large crash sounding throughout the alleyway behind the building and thankfully hurting no one. Their heads are both out of her third story bedroom window and looking forlornly at the broken unit, shoulders bumping awkwardly against another. She tries to calculate in her head how much money she has left to see if she can get another one. 

“Fuck, Gina, I’m so sorry,” Ricky apologizes wholeheartedly — he does everything wholeheartedly, and she really likes that about him — when they’re both back inside. “I can get you a new one.”

“Please, Ricky. I can handle it myself. Nothing for you to worry about.” She sighs as she leans against the wall, her heat transferring onto it as the coolness of it touches her skin and gives temporary relief. A stray curl falls in front of her eyes and she blows it out of her face, really hating the way the humidity is doing her hair no favors. 

“How about I give you mine? I’m moving out by the end of the summer anyway, and I don’t really sleep with an air conditioner.”

She narrows her eyes at him. “There’s no way you can’t sleep without an AC.” 

“I’m from Salt Lake City. It’s unbearably hot there all the time. I can handle Boston heat.”

“And did you ever find a place for after you move out?” 

He’s silent as he looks anywhere but at Gina. His sheepish guiltiness annoys her, and she can’t help but roll her eyes at his stupidity.

“For fuck’s sake, just move in with me.”

His head snaps to her and looks at her as if she grew two heads. “Whoa, what?”

“I’m nothing but practical, Bowen. We’d be saving money by paying for a one bedroom apartment, I get a free AC unit, you get free, good cooked meals whenever, and we can fuck without distance and time constraints.” 

To be honest, she has thought about it for awhile. She won’t admit it, but she planned on this apartment with her physical therapy aide job location and BU as well as Ricky’s internship location and Northeastern in mind so that he can come over whenever. It was also close to his old apartment, but that didn’t matter anymore if he was going to take her up on the offer. But she’ll never admit it out loud that she thought of him.

“I don’t know, Gina, that’s kind of a lot to ask a guy, and we’re not even dating.”

She can’t help but roll her eyes again, ignoring the twist in her heart. “Obviously. We’re best friends, and we’re gonna be roommates. That’s all.”

“Aw, I’m your best friend?” Ricky’s big blinding smile is on his face as he puts a hand to his heart, so clearly touched, and the sight of it has Gina burst out laughing. Soon he’s up in her space, and she tries to run away, but he’s faster and wraps his arms around her and swings her around, her shrieks and peals of laughter bouncing off the walls. 

“Oh my god, Ricky! Get away from me, you dork!” Gina turns around in his arms and puts a hand to his face to push him away only to get licked by him. She retracts her hand so fast, dealing a smack to his shoulder, and suddenly she’s up against the wall.

“Best friend~~~~” he sings into her ear as he tickles her sides, the sensation making her squirm and twist her body in different shapes, anything to escape from his offending hands.

“Get away from me!” she squeals as she continuously swats at him. “You’re so fucking sweaty!”

To make matters worse, he rubs his entire face in her neck, and she screams in disgust at the grossness of it, but the disgust goes away as he places open mouthed kisses on her neck all the way up to her ear. 

“Hm? What’s this about?” she asks, her voice breathless more so from the onslaught of kisses rather than the previous laughing fits. 

His hands land on her ass, hoisting her up against the wall and her legs wrap around his waist. The position stirs desire within Gina, reaching all the way down to her core. She feels his own when he pushes against her, and a moan tumbles out of her mouth. He breathes into her ear. “This is me making it up to you for your air conditioner.”

He fucks her against the wall, their clothes barely on, sweat slicked over their bodies and Gina screaming despite the window being completely open. When she’s boneless in his arms and he stops moving, she groans, muttering about how sticky they were, and she feels herself being carried to the bathroom where she’s stripped naked and placed into the bathtub. The shower is turned on, and she breathes a huge sigh of relief, welcoming the cold water splashing onto her face and cooling off her body, but they don’t get much actual showering done when he lifts her hair to kiss the back of her neck and takes her from behind. 

After they finally showered for real, sitting on the floor of her barren living room surrounded by boxes and eating Chinese food dressed in nothing but their underwear, he tells her he will move in with her.

It’s not real, it’s not anything, they’re only best friends now going to be roommates who happen to have sex, but she supposes she’s happy. 

* * *

It takes some convincing, and Ricky ends up sleeping in her queen sized bed (“Don’t be an idiot, Ricky. You cannot possibly expect to sleep on the couch for an entire year, and it’s stupid to make a bedroom out of the living room.”), and they create an easy routine. Gina wakes up early around 6:00 AM to do yoga for an hour, showers, and then makes breakfast for the both of them. Ricky wakes up around 7:30 AM and they eat together before they leave for the day. Her job at the clinic is simple enough; she goes around and cleans the benches, does simple exercises with the patients, and learns whatever she can from the physical therapist. She doesn’t see Ricky until they meet up at the gym, where they sometimes work out together depending on his exercise regimen for the day. Afterwards, they head home together, eat dinner that Gina makes or leftovers or take out, and sit on the couch to watch a TV show before turning in for the night. 

Weekends are fun, and they enjoy the summer in Boston, taking walks in the park or trying out new restaurants to eat at if they have the money for it. They share dishes, go to the farmer’s market every other weekend to buy groceries, and drink whatever cheap liquor is at their apartment while watching bad movies and making drinking games out of them. Sometimes they go out and meet up with friends or go to house parties and come back stumbling into their apartment and fall into bed together, a mess of tangled limbs and hands everywhere.

It’s simple and easy enough, and the domesticity of it gets to Gina at times, and she has to continuously remind herself that they’re not in a relationship, that whenever they go out, they never hold hands, he never cuddles with her unless he’s tired after they have sex, and he never gives her hugs now that they constantly see each other unless he’s drunk and/or horny. But then there are times when maybe, just maybe he likes her somewhat, brushing curls out of her face, bringing back home groceries to replenish their pantry without her even asking along with her favorite brand of cookies, giving her massages whenever she’s had a bad day at the clinic, doing their laundry when she can’t do them, telling her she looks pretty when she has no makeup on and her hair’s a frizzy mess, and letting her adopt an orange shorthair cat called “Luffy” (“It’s ‘One Piece’! How can you not know ‘One Piece’?!”) that he helps feed and adores. 

She even catches him staring at her sometimes, but the stares are more probing, as if trying to pick her apart and see if there’s something there. It used to bother her, make her nervous, but she gets used to it and lets him continue, hoping that maybe he’ll find whatever he’s looking for, find whatever he needs to finally fall for her. And maybe, just maybe...

She’s interrupted from her thoughts by a knock at the door, the sudden sound making her jump in her seat. After pausing whatever show she was mindlessly watching, she gets up and walks over to the door and peers into the peephole. It’s hard to see, but she recognizes that shock of red hair anywhere. 

“Well, if it isn’t Big Red,” she greets with a small smile after opening the door. The sight of him has her feeling uneasy, unsure, and she can’t figure out why. 

“Gina? Is that you?” He becomes giddy as he plasters a big excited smile on his face. “No way! I can’t believe it’s you!”

“Been awhile Big Red!” she laughs as she moves to hug him. 

“Yeah, for real! Since _High School Musical_. I didn’t know you were in Boston with Ricky, too!” 

The statement throws her off, making her freeze in her tracks, but there’s no time for her to mull over the severity of it. Moving to the side and opening the door wider, she lets him in. “Yeah, I was just as surprised to see him around, too.” She pauses and thinks of whether or not Ricky has told her that Big Red was coming, but she can’t recall anything, and it puts a damper on her mood.

Big Red is just as she remembers: he takes in the entire apartment and makes tiny quips over knick knacks she and Ricky have picked up in the past year and is nothing but quirky. He gushes over their cat, scratching him behind the ears and rubbing his belly, stoked that he finally gets to meet him after looking at all the pictures and videos Ricky sent him. She notices he’s a little bit taller, but still shorter than her, and he’s gotten rid of his slouch, exuding confidence from his shoulders. 

“Where’s the guy at? Haven’t seen him since Christmas!” he asks as he settles down on the couch, Luffy snuggling up next to him.

“Oh, he’s at the gym. He’ll be back soon.” Gina decides to play host and moves towards the kitchen. “You want anything? Water? Soda? Alcohol?”

“Too early for alcohol, but I can take water.”

“Never too early for alcohol,” she yells back, and she hears his laugh drift from the living room into the kitchen. 

After she serves him, she offers to give him a tour of the apartment and hopes he doesn’t pick up on any visual cues that give their living situation away. As soon as it’s done, they sit down on the couch to catch up, and Gina all but forgot how easy going Big Red was, how friendly and open and straightforward he was. She thinks of him as Ricky’s conscience, his own Jiminy Cricket who told his best friend off the night of homecoming when he tore Gina down and hurt her in ways that she had never been hurt before. If it weren’t for Big Red, Ricky wouldn’t have offered her that ride home, and she probably wouldn’t have fallen for him, not that she’s blaming him or anything.

He tells her about going to art school in sunny California, where she originally wanted to go to major in dance, and how he’s had an internship with Pixar for the past summer, which ended not too long ago, giving him free time to visit Ricky. The jealousy in her stirs, the ugly emotion rearing its head and baring its teeth to sink into her, and she thinks of dead dreams and harsh arguments with her mother. It hurts even worse when she once again has to tell Big Red she only dances on the side, that she’s happy with physical therapy and would like to focus on sports rehabilitation.

Ricky still hasn’t come home, and shit hits the fan for her when Big Red finally asks what she’s been dreading.

“Gina, just wanted to ask ‘cause I noticed that some of this… flavor in this apartment is definitely not Ricky.” He inhales deeply and exhales before looking right in Gina’s eyes. “Do you live here with him?”

She doesn’t know what to say other than the truth; there’s no point in hiding. “Yeah, I do.”

He hums as he leans back and folds his arms. “Are you guys dating?”

“No, we’re not.”

“But you sleep in the same bed?” His eyebrows are furrowed in confusion.

“Yes, we do.” She jiggles her leg impatiently, desperately hoping that the conversation would end soon.

He’s quiet, looking at her and trying to piece the puzzle together. “And you’re okay with it?” he asks slowly, carefully, like whatever he’s saying could hurt. The irony of it makes her want to laugh.

“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because I know you’ve had feelings for him back then. I don’t know if you still do now to be honest, but I also know that Ricky is still not really over Nini.”

She’s absolutely astonished over the way Big Red can see right through her and get right to the point without having to sort through everything. She scowls and looks away from his piercing stare. “We’re just friends. Nothing more.”

“You can be honest with me, Gina. I’m also your friend as much as I’m also best friends with Ricky. I care about you, too, and I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

‘It’s too late for that,’ she thinks bitterly. “I know what I’m doing, Big Red. I’ll be fine.”

He frowns, the look of sympathy pissing her off. “Gina, he hasn’t even told me that you were here in Boston. No one back home knows where you’ve been since you left East High.”

She figured as much from the way he greeted her, but she doesn’t want to hear anymore. She grits her teeth as she prepares to tell him off, but she’s saved by the door opening.

“Big Red!” Ricky exclaims as he jumps over the couch to get the redhead in a chokehold. 

The conversation is over, and she watches Big Red and Ricky hug each other and chatter excitedly, telling each other how much they missed each other. Seeing that this was a moment between the two of them, she quietly slips away into their bedroom and closes the door. She throws herself onto the bed and stares out the window, watching as the sun’s rays walk across the floor and creep away, the day turning into night.

* * *

They order takeout, and Gina tries her best to be a part of the banter, but she’s tired and has the greatest urge to cry. Still, she was an actress at one point in her life, so she makes sure to have input here and there, laughing at the right moments, doing everything she can not to let her true emotions shine through. 

She makes a big show of yawning and stretching, saying she’s really sleepy and will probably start getting ready for bed. She tells them both good night and heads for the bedroom to lie in the bed once again and stare at the ceiling in the dark. Luffy ends up joining her by her head, the cat’s presence nothing but comforting, and she turns on her side to nuzzle him, breathing deeply to hold back tears. 

She doesn’t know how much time passes, but she wakes up to Ricky nudging her. 

“Hey, you passed out. You should get ready for bed,” he tells her before he picks up Luffy to give her space. He gives the cat a kiss and coos at it. “Big Red’s already left. Says he doesn’t want to bother us with his CPAP machine, so he’s at a hotel. He’ll be back in the morning.”

Sitting up, she stares at him blearily, her heart tugging at the sight of him. He gives her a questioning look, which transforms to one of alarm. “What’s wrong? Why’re you crying?”

Her hand flies to her cheeks, fingertips touching wetness. She stares at her fingers until she can’t see them anymore, tears blurring her vision and streaming down her face.

“Hey, hey, hey, come now.” 

Quickly putting Luffy down, he sits down next to her and wraps his arms around her, and the way she falls so easily into him terrifies her. She never knew how much he affected her until now, the way she’s so mad at him but says nothing of how much he’s hurting her. Shaking her head, she weakly pushes him away and moves to stand up and look out the window. 

“Gina, what—”

“You never told Big Red about me.” Her voice is small, but she knows he hears the accusation because he says nothing back. She takes a deep breath and turns around to look at him. “Why?”

He opens his mouth, but closes it, the corners of it twisting downwards. “... There’s nothing to say about us really…” 

“Other than the fact that we live together and occasionally fuck? That’s a pretty big something not to say.”

He winces at the crude statement, and she wants to strangle him for being so immature. “Honestly, I thought you’d rather have no one know about us. Or, well, about you in general.”

Part of her is touched that he did honor an unspoken wish of hers, of keeping her from people in her past and letting them stay there, but she’s more hurt by the pressing thought that he’s ashamed of… whatever he is with her. It angers her, festers within her until her boiling rage bubbles ferociously, very close to spilling.

“Are you saying that you don’t want anyone from back home to know that you’ve been with me specifically?”

“What? No, I—”

“Or do you just not want Nini to find out?”

It’s out of her mouth before she knows it, but the damage is done. Ricky narrows his eyes at her, a look of indignation settling over his pretty features. “That’s a fucking low blow, and you know it.”

“Just say the fucking truth, Ricky.” She crosses the room and pushes him, satisfied by the surprise on his face. He furrows his brows and his nostrils flare, but his body stiffens, like he’s holding himself back. She thinks scathingly, ‘Good. Get angry. Get hurt. Like you hurt me.’ She pushes him again, and she loves the way his face contorts with anger, loves the way his lip curls back to show a snarl. It has the coil in her stomach winding up, heat pooling at the bottom of it. “Tell me that I’m just a goddamn dirty little secret for you to keep.”

When she goes to push him again, he grabs her wrists, preventing her to flail at him, and land any sort of hit. He’s bigger and stronger and holds her in place. “Fucking stop, Gina. Give yourself some more credit than that.”

She laughs coldly. The white hot rage boils over, and she can’t stop herself from continuing to tear him down. Ripping her arms away from him, she shoves forcefully at him, making him stumble back further away from her. “More credit? I’m just some girl from your past that you fuck. I’m nothing more to you, and you know it.” 

He ends up throwing her onto the bed and pinning her down, planting a thigh between her legs. The hard muscle hits her just right, her body reacting to the friction by arching up to him, a silent gasp leaving her mouth. His own body screams to her uninhibited primal urges, but his eyes soften, and she wants to slap that look off of his face. “Gina, please, stop. You mean more to me than that.” He gives her a look that is so sad, so full of… caring and concern, but it lacks what she really wants to see. “You’re... my best friend.”

She spits in his face, and his expression shifts to anger once more. “Fuck you.”

They both fall silent, save for their loud breathing from the yelling that has been done, but there’s so much energy, so much tension, it settles over them like a thick blanket similar to the humidity that’s in the charged air. It’s the calm before the storm, and Gina holds her breath in anticipation, the heat of desire roaring so loudly in her core. She sees Ricky’s pupils dilate to the point where all she sees is black. Sneering at her, he shoves his thigh against her again, and a breathless moan is released from her lips. 

“Fine. If that’s what you want to be,” he tells her, his voice completely devoid of any emotion.

Ricky seals the deal by slamming his lips against Gina’s. It’s not a kiss; it’s far from being soft and sweet. It’s just teeth looking to tear into skin, and she tastes blood in her mouth. He moves from her lips to her neck, biting her before soothing it with a quick swipe by his tongue. She whimpers from the pain, and she wants to pull at his hair and get him off, take control of the situation, make him bleed and mark him up, but his hands are still on her wrists and she’s unable to move. Switching both of her wrists to one hand, he roughly grips her waist with his free one while he repositions himself in between her legs and starts grinding against her, the movement having her moan out loud. He shoves her shorts and underwear to the side and, without any warning, pushes in two fingers. Her eyes roll backwards from the pleasure that shoots up her spine.

He laughs cruelly in her face, contempt written all over his own. “Of course you’re wet.”

“Fuck, hah, fuck you,” she pants out. His fingers feel too good, and her mind is a muddled mess. They pump in and out swiftly, hitting that spot that has her seeing white and mewling. The fire builds so fast in her stomach, spreading over her nerves from her toes to her head, and she feels herself reaching the pinnacle, waiting to fall into a sweet abyss, but it never comes because his fingers are no longer there, leaving her feeling so awfully empty.

She glares at him, and he serves one right back before he fingers her again, another moan coming out of her. His thumb presses down on her clit and makes small circles, the toe curling sensation driving her crazy, almost making her lose her thought process, but she trains her eyes on him and lets him know how much she hates him. 

“How about you beg for it?” 

“Since when do toys beg for anything?” she hisses through gritted teeth, stifling another moan threatening to make its way out. She juts her chin up at him, a challenge in her eyes. “You’re just going to take from me like you always have been doing.”

Before she knows it, she’s flipped on her stomach and brought to all fours. She feels her shorts and underwear being pulled down and off of her before he aggressively shoves her head into the mattress. His hands tightly grip her hips, and she’s soon filled with him, moaning wantonly when he bottoms out.

It’s rough, fast, and hot, the way he thrusts into her with no end in sight. She’s sobbing from the overwhelming pleasure of it, the way he continuously hits that sweet spot over and over, and she feels herself riding fast to the edge. She needs it, needs to fall over, but he stops and pulls on her hair to bring her up to have her back flushed against his chest, his other hand snaking up to clamp down on her throat. 

“Don’t want to ruin my _toy_ just yet,” he growls in her ear, and he sets another brutal pace that brings tears to her eyes. She’s breathless, getting lightheaded, and she wants to scream from how good it all feels, but his fingertips pressing on her throat has her gasping for air. 

At this point, Gina doesn’t care. She needs to come. With the little amount of strength she has, she elbows Ricky in the stomach, startling him and giving her a small window of time that allows her to flip him onto his back and pin him down with her own weight. As soon as she sinks down onto him, she grabs his throat with her hand in retaliation and rides him, watching as he loses himself to her, enjoying the little gasps of air he tries to take when he attempts to say her name and the way his eyes roll back in his head. Then she feels it, feels the wave growing taller, feels it about to crash down, so she uses him to chase her own bliss until she comes apart screaming his name before he shoves her off and finishes in his hand, a long groan coming from his lips. 

She falls onto the bed beside him and rolls over so that her back touches his arm. The only sounds she hears are their heavy breaths and the way her heart is beating against her ribcage. It’s hard to move, and she’s so tired, but she thinks of what just transpired, that despite how insanely good it felt, she can’t forget the way he glared at her, can’t forget how she yelled at him and wanted to hurt him so bad. She especially can’t forget how she enjoyed the way they fucked each other, and it makes her feel sick to her stomach. 

The nausea forces her to get up and make her way to the bathroom. She puts the toilet seat up and collapses onto her knees, resting her head on her hand that’s gripping the bowl. 

“Gina?” Ricky’s voice is soft and shaky, but he is still beside her and rubbing small circles into her back. “Are you okay?”

She really wasn’t, but she can’t even think right now, and she’d rather not have him around.

“Leave me alone, Ricky,” she finally gasps out.

His hand stops its motion and lingers before it’s removed, the spot where he was rubbing turning cold. A few minutes pass and she hears him walk past the bathroom, open the apartment door, and slam it shut. 

The resulting loneliness crawls on her skin, seeps into her pores until she breaks down completely, her sobs echoing throughout the empty apartment.

* * *

Gina wakes up to find herself tucked into the bed with her shorts on. Her phone’s nowhere near her, but judging from the sun’s rays’ position, she slept through the night all the way to afternoon. Slowly, she sits up, her head aching probably from how dehydrated she was. She looks to the other side of the bed to see a note laying on Ricky’s pillow. Picking it up, she squints at it, trying to make sense of the scrawl. 

“‘Took some clothes. Will be staying at Wes’s,’” she recites out loud.

Sighing, she crumples up the paper and tosses it aside before lying back down to fall back asleep.

* * *

Gina moves through the motions of her daily routine, ignoring the dull ache in her chest, but it’s harder because she has to remember to prepare food for one and not expect Ricky to do the dishes or take out the trash if it’s his turn. He’s not there for her to yell at about making a mess in the bathroom or for not making the bed. She can’t turn to him to complain about her day or to show him a funny meme. Luffy meows at the apartment door and sits there everyday waiting for his return, and all Gina can do is pet him consolingly and tell him that she misses him, too. (It takes her awhile to say it, though, takes her awhile to actually admit that this whole mess was her fault in the first place.)

She comes back from her shift Friday night, wanting to just drink a glass of whiskey to wind down from the difficult day she had with a troublesome patient. She’s in the middle of taking her sneakers off when Ricky walks in with Luffy in his arms, the sight of him making her heart beat once again. 

“Hey,” he finally says after they stare at each other for some odd minutes. 

She swallows and blinks back tears, turning to rearrange the shoe rack. “Hey.”

“I got us Thai food from the place that you like a lot. With Thai iced tea, too. Hungry?”

“Starving,” she says with a sniffle. She gives him a tiny smile before she follows him to the kitchen and sits at their small table already set up with food.

She refuses to cry, refuses to tell him that she missed him as he ends up making her laugh once again with stories from his internship and shows her pictures of dogs that he took during his commute. He smiles at her, the same one he gave her all those years ago, the same one when she first saw him in the dive bar in winter, the same one he continued to give her throughout the semester and throughout the time they were living together. 

The week was so hard without Ricky, and now that he’s all here, it’s like a big sigh of relief. She’s comforted by his warmth exuding from him, his rays reaching her and giving her life as if she was a sun starved plant sitting in the darkness for so long. 

She’s about to apologize for everything when he opens his own mouth, the words tearing into her like arrows.

“I think I should move out.”

Fear seizes at her, crawling all the way up to her throat, trapping the air in her lungs. She hears the words echo in her mind, and the thought of him leaving her all alone, finally walking away from her life, has her utterly scared. “No.”

“Gina, we… I can’t do this to you anymore,” he pleads with her, his brown eyes full of regret and sadness. He takes a shaky inhale as he runs a hand through his curls. “I can’t be whatever you want me to be. I told you that from the start. I’m only going to keep hurting you.”

She shakes her head and swipes at the tears that escape from her eyes. “No. Please, don’t. I’m sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for? You’re the one that’s on the worse end of the stick here.”

“Ricky, I missed you. You’re still my best friend. I’m sorry for whatever I said that night. I was out of line, and it was unfair of me to push you until you broke. Until I broke.” She takes a deep breath to calm herself down, but the tears continue to fall. Her fingers press to her eyes, hiding herself from Ricky, hating the way he also looks like he wants to cry. “I accused you of using me when that’s all I did that night. I’m a hypocrite, Ricky, and I hurt you just as bad.” 

The admission has her bawling, her cries bouncing off the kitchen tiles. She wipes them away with the back of her hands, not caring that her mascara is going all over the place. Sobs wrack through her frame as she hunches over, to cover herself and her own vulnerability from the man in front of her. Soon, she feels strong arms gather around her, and she falls, like she always has been doing ever since she was 16, into Ricky. He catches her and holds her tight as they collapse to the ground. As much as she wants to, she doesn’t hold onto him, keeps her hands to herself and holds them to her chest, guarding her heart once more. 

“I’m sorry, Ricky, I’m so sorry,” she blubbers out. 

“I know, I’m sorry, too,” he whispers to her as he strokes her hair. He plants a soft kiss to her temple. 

It takes a while, but she finally calms down, her breath slows and the tears come to an end. She hears him singing a soft lullaby into her hair, his voice soothing her. Her eyes flutter close as she listens to him, feels the vibrations in his chest and his heart beating. She doesn’t recognize the song, but it sounds nice all the same.

“I haven’t heard you sing in awhile,” she speaks after she figures he’s done. “It’s really nice to hear.”

“I haven’t found a reason to, I guess. I thought it would make you feel better.”

The corners of her lips raise a tiny bit as she curls into him more. “It did, thanks.”

They both fall silent as they hear the crickets chirp outside. She stays, listening to the _ba-bump_ , _ba-bump_. She knows that they can’t stay like this forever, that he’s not hers to keep, but this moment truly belongs to them and them only. She’ll look back upon this memory, remember his soft voice, his strong arms, the smell of him all too familiar to her, the way the tiles beneath them were cold, the way her heart was floating, like a boat at sea, drifting freely, no tempestuous waves or storms in sight, only the sun to warm her up. 

Sighing, she pushes against his chest to lift herself up, and her eyes finally meet his. They’re red, too, puffy and scratched up probably from rubbing them. In some way, she’s glad he’s affected by this as much as she is; she’s not alone in her misery, even if it’s a different kind. 

As much as she loves him, he’s still very important to her, and she’d hate for them not to be friends anymore. People have always come and gone in her life, and she never gave much thought about it, especially because she was always moving around, nowhere to really root herself and grow and leave much of an impact. Everyone was nothing but a mere whisper, a breath of wind breezing through. Ricky used to be one until he materialized into something more solid, something more tangible. He staked his claim in her heart, and she willingly let him. 

People come and go, but she wants him to stay. 

“Please don’t leave me,” she says quietly, bottom lip trembling and eyes watering.

His breath hitches, and his eyebrows knit together. “I was never going to, Gina. I just… what we’re doing is not healthy.” A hand reaches out for hers, and she lets him take one, his fingers grazing hers. “You’ll resent me for not being who you want me to be, and I’ll resent you for wanting so much from me. I don’t want that to happen to us.”

“I’ll do better. I won’t push expectations on you. I promise. No strings attached.”

He gives her a hard, scolding look, but she does nothing except swallow and meet his gaze. She bites her lip and desperately hopes, prays to whomever that he won’t walk out.

She watches as he rubs his face, and she sees how tired he is, sees the dark circles around his eyes, but, despite it all, he puts on a small smile, and her heart picks itself back up. 

“Okay,” he tells her.

Gina sniffles and lets out a watery laugh, and she feels herself wanting to cry all over again, thankful for Ricky and for all that he is, for all that he’s done for her and for all that he’s put up with. She crawls back over to him, and he welcomes her back in his arms and into his life. 

* * *

School starts again, and the struggle is still very real. It’s Ricky’s last year, and he has projects and presentations piling up on top of his internship while she’s drowning in PowerPoint slides from lectures and exams. They barely see each other since he always has to be at school working with his group, and she’s on her own campus studying the days away. The only time they do meet up is at home when they have to sleep, but even then, she’s asleep before he even gets home since all she has are morning classes. 

Gina sorely misses him, but his presence is still profound in their apartment. He leaves little tidbits on their whiteboard hung on the fridge: silly quotes, badly drawn pictures of Luffy doing gymnastics all over the board, notes to her telling her to have a great day and that she’s a queen. His shoes are all over the place near the shoe rack, his favorite mug in the sink, a whiff of his body wash wafting from the bathroom and soaked into the sheets. They’re all signs that he’s still there, still with her and in her life, and it’s more than enough for her. 

Their “arrangement” is still ongoing, but she finds herself in bed with him less and less and learns more about him as the days go by. It’s a nice change, she figures, as it deepens their connection and strengthens their friendship, but she still can’t look at him without feeling like her heart will explode out of her chest from how happy she is with him, how she is absolutely and irrevocably so in love with him. It never gets easier, but she does become a master at pushing down her feelings. 

It’s a Saturday night, and they’re lying in bed together in the dark, facing each other with all their clothes on for once. Their limbs are slightly touching, and they’re more than a breath away from each other. There’s no pretense at all, and it makes the butterflies in Gina’s stomach flutter. They whisper secrets, laugh over weird habits and embarrassing memories. Then, he asks her if she’s happy, if she’s okay with everything that’s happening in her life. 

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” she answers honestly. “Probably the happiest I’ve ever been.”

He looks at her dubiously, and she feels herself getting lost in those golden brown eyes. He reaches out and pushes her hair behind her ear, takes a deep breath and says, “I’m worried you’re not.”

“What makes you say that?” 

“Well, on a scale of one to ten, ten being nothing but unending joy and one being your lowest, most depressed you’ve ever been, how happy are you?”

She’s about to fire back an answer with the utmost confidence and a dazzling smile, but she takes a breath and hesitates, rolls the question through her head once more. She remembers dreams that were born so early and lived to die, never brought to fruition, remembers her mother who advised her to get a stable job, something that will put a roof over her head, and she realizes that maybe, her number is really lower than she thought it was.

Sensing her unease, Ricky sits up and takes her hand in his own, giving her gentle squeeze. “Sorry, I don’t mean to bum you out, but I just… I notice that you just go through your days… like you’re not really living. And I’m sure I’m partially the reason, but I feel like there’s more.”

She wants to say that he’s wrong, that he’s the reason she’s been so happy recently, but then she’d be lying to him and herself all over again, ignoring his true feelings for a girl in London who has bested her in every way possible and has a hold of his heart in a way that she will never get to have. Her eyes drop to their linked hands, a friendly gesture and nothing more, the sight leaving a sour taste in her mouth. 

Sighing, she lets go of his hand and rolls onto her back, fixes her eyes on a random spot on their ceiling. What is her happiness on a scale of one to ten? The question is daunting, a gloomy cloud hanging in the horizon. It stresses her out as she struggles to come up with a number, and when she does finally come up with an answer, she’s scared of what it will be.

“Do you want me to go first?” Ricky offers. 

“No, it’s okay…” She still doesn’t know what her answer is, but she closes her eyes and hopes for the best. “Scale of one to ten, probably a three.” As soon as she says it, feelings of emptiness and despondency fill her. 

“Gina…”

“I’m… also not surprised it’s three, too. But… I guess if I were to think really hard about it, I’ve always been below five…” She sits up and looks to Ricky who looks back at her with a sad face, and she wishes to see his smile again. “Though only two times it’s been higher than five is transferring to East High and…”

He looks at her expectantly. “And?”

Her hand itches to hold his again. She wants to kiss him and let him know how much she loves him, how much he makes her happy despite the situation, but she knows she shouldn’t. Hugging her knees to her chest, she drops her head to her knees and attempts to smile at him. “I think you already know…”

His face falls in a flash. It’s heartbreak, sadness, and sorry all mixed into one expression on display for her. “Gina.”

“Stop, I don’t… it’s fine. I’m fine.” She lets out a small laugh. “Weird, isn’t it? How even though your heart is in another continent, I’m still happy… ish.”

“You could be happier,” he tells her. His eyes implore her, beg her to let him go, but she doesn’t have the will to do so. She hasn’t been selfish in all the times that she and her mother moved around, had no choice but to comply. But now, she’s free from her mother and her demanding job, free to choose whatever she wants to do, and she wants to be completely selfish and have Ricky to herself.

“I know. But I’m fine with this. This is okay.”

He lets out a defeated sigh, and she’s glad he doesn’t press further. “Can I ask why a three?”

“I guess… I’ve always dreamt of being a dancer. A backup dancer for Beyonce or something, y’know? But… it’s too late for me.”

“Well, why not? You can still do it! I know you can,” Ricky says, hope and support in his voice, and she appreciates it, but it’s all for nothing.

She shakes her head. Dreams were meant to stay as there were: half-baked and never achieved. “It’s too late for me. There are people out there who are working so hard, who have the time to become better, improve themselves. Me? Well, I don’t. I will never, not with this PT program taking over my life.” 

“But—”

“Ricky, please. Just drop it. I don’t need false hopes pushed onto me. I’ve gotten over it.”

Ricky frowns, like he wants to keep talking about it, but she’s had enough. She was never one to look to the past, and she will keep it that way. 

“What about you?” she deflects instead. “Scale of one to ten, how happy are you?”

The frown doesn’t go away, but it deepens. “I’m not as bad as you, but overall? I’d say a five.” He exhales loudly as he shuts his eyes, and she waits. “I never really had a goal in life, so I can’t say I’m in the same boat as you. And besides… this and Nini… I wish I still sang and played my guitar like I used to.”

She has noticed this ever since she visited his apartment for the first time, seen the guitar in the corner of his room, sitting there unused and collecting dust. “Why don’t you?” 

“It… reminded me too much of Nini. How we used to write songs and sing together. She was a big part of my life, especially in what you could call my music career, and I guess I was too hurt to pick it back up again.” 

“That’s stupid.”

She slaps a hand to her mouth, eyes widening in shock, realizing too late what she blurted out. He looks at her just as surprised, except she sees the hurt in those warm browns. Her words already set everything in motion, though, and he starts to get up, his shoulders rigid.

“No, I’m sorry. I should have worded it better,” she starts as she grasps his hand, but he gently removes it from his.

“How should you have worded it, then?”

“I mean, ugh, I’m sorry.” Gina presses the heels of her hands to her eyes, taking a second to gather her thoughts, contemplating on how to let him know what she truly means. Putting her hands down, she continues. “I think it’s… silly you’re not doing music anymore because of her. It’s… yours. It’s your talent, your ability, and sure, she was a huge influence on your life, but she can’t take away your passion from you. In fact, I’m surprised you didn’t pull a Taylor Swift and write about her. She even wrote about you and EJ when you two were being idiots.”

He laughs, his posture relaxing. “Yeah, I guess… I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am. I am Gina Porter after all.”

“That means absolutely nothing.”

She rolls her eyes. “Then you’re a dummy.”

“Oh? I’m a dummy? Me?” He places a hand to his heart in mock hurt. Revenge flashes in his eyes, and she prepares herself to run. “I’ll show you a dummy.”

Just as she was about to bolt from the bed, he pounces on her and tickles her, making her shriek out loud. “Ricky! Stop! Noooo!”

“What’s that? I’m too much of an idiot to understand.” He grins in mischief as he continues his attack. 

Luffy ends up jumping on their bed and swatting at Ricky, as if protecting Gina, and he backs away with a yelp. Not wanting to miss any moment of this scene, she grabs her phone to take a video, cheering on Luffy and laughing at Ricky’s high pitched screams.

“Luffy!? How could you? What did I ever do to you?!” he exclaims, fending himself with his hands as he crunches over to avoid the cat from striking his body.

The cat only meows loudly as Luffy continues to hit him with his paw. Ricky overreacts with exaggerated noises of pain and says an entire monologue of betrayal that has Gina in tears. 

She all but forgets about the conversation, and her life with Ricky and Luffy moves on.

* * *

The fall semester has come to a close, and Gina decides to finally see her mom as she hasn’t seen her since last Christmas. It’s not that she doesn’t want to see her, but the PT aide gig came up in the summer and was too good to pass, especially because the hands on experience will be valuable later on in life when finding a job, so she was unable to fly to wherever her mom had moved. She brings Luffy over as Ricky insisted that he was her cat and that he should meet her mom, who was hesitant at first, but has grown to love him.

She spends her days like usual, except without any schoolwork or job obligations: waking up early to do yoga, have some breakfast, bake something because she’s bored, and watch movies on whatever streaming channel she has. She FaceTimes Roxy and Dylan, talking about everything and nothing, sometimes even watching the same show together. 

Ricky, who has gone home to Salt Lake City, has barely texted her, and it grates her nerves. She finds herself easily getting mad over it, finds herself being the only one texting him consistently whereas his replies are sporadic. Frustration is something she greets everyday because of him, and she quickly gets tired of it and opts to ignore him, though there’s not much of ignoring to do when he barely speaks to her. Almost all of winter break has her in a bad mood, so she bakes nonstop, creating different pastries, cakes, and breads to get her mind off of him.

She’s in the middle of watching her stand mixer mix vanilla cake ingredients when Ricky FaceTimes her. His name and picture on her screen has her heart skipping a beat, and she’s torn between staying mad at him and missing the call or picking it up. She sighs because she knows how powerless she is against him, stops the mixer, and moves to pick it up.

“GINA! Merry Christmas!” He shouts at her. He’s holding the phone high up as he spins around and falls back on his bed.

“Ricky, Christmas was two weeks ago. It’s already 2024, you dumbass,” she deadpans, but the sight of him still lifts her heart up.

“Yes, I know that, BUT I didn’t give you your present!”

She raises her brow in confusion at that. “I thought we agreed to wait until we both returned to Boston?”

“Well, yes, I know, BUT I’m too stoked and I want to give it to you now!” His smile widens, like a kid on Christmas morning upon seeing presents underneath the tree. 

“Okay, okay, keep it in your pants,” she teases, finding his childlike joy endearing. 

He pouts at her. “Ginaaaa, don’t be mean to your Secret Santa.”

“We didn’t even participate in a Secret Santa.”

“Well, you are now. Merry Christmas!” At that, he flips his phone’s camera to face his computer to show what looked like an airplane itinerary. “I got you a round trip ticket to LA for spring break!”

Gina falls silent, stunned by the extravagance of the gift. “Ricky, what—”

“And don’t worry, I planned it all accordingly because during your spring break, talent agencies will be hosting auditions. Now I did my research—”

“Ricky, stop, hold up—”

“—and the agencies are, like, a big deal. They have dancers for Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber and Katy Perry… and there’s other stuff, too!”

“Wait—”

“Like, you can do commercials for clothing brands or whatever and do modeling even. And you’re tall enough for that, I think. You could totally model.”

“RICKY,” she shouts at her phone. “What the fuck.”

He stops talking. The camera is still on his computer screen. 

“What the fuck is this? Why are you wasting all this money on me?”

“Because, Gina, you should audition. I honestly believe you can do it.”

“Ricky, please.” Tears well up in her eyes. She drops her phone onto the kitchen island, the plastic case covering clattering against the marble surface, and takes deep breaths as her hands grip the counter. She feels old wounds reopen, wounds that she worked so hard to suture close from the countless fights she had with her mother. “I gave up a long time ago. Please don’t do this to me.”

“Gina, don’t… don’t give up yet. Just. Take the ticket and go and see. You honestly never know.”

“I don’t know, Ricky… my mom wouldn’t be… pleased, and I doubt I can even get in. And even if I do, how can I finish school?”

“You’ll figure that out when that happens. C’mon, Gina. Even if it doesn’t go right, at least you know for sure that you tried, you did your best, and you can rest easy.”

She gnaws on her bottom lip, sniffles when a tear breaks out. The opportunity seems too good to be true, but Gina’s pragmatic mind shoos the mere thought away, his selflessness hurting more than it should be. “I gotta go, Ricky.”

“Gina, wait—”

She hangs up the phone before he could explain himself. Tired, she resumes her baking, silently crying as she goes about the process.

* * *

When she returns back to their apartment, Ricky opens the door for her and moves to hug her, ecstatic to see her because it’s the longest they have ever been apart ever since they moved in together, but she shies away from him and goes to the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She doesn’t bother unpacking, only unzips the bubble bag Luffy is in and goes to flop on her bed face down, snuggling the cat when he approaches her. 

She’s still mad that he bought the tickets, mad that he’s trying to convince her to relive a fairytale she made up when she was younger. Life wasn’t fair, and she didn’t need reminders of it. Looking at Ricky was enough of that. 

She hears the door creak open to let in Ricky who takes hesitant steps towards her. A hand lands on her shoulder, giving her a soft squeeze. The bed dips down by her hip, and he lets out a sigh.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten the ticket without consulting you… I just want you to be happy. That’s all I ever want you to be, Gi.”

She tries so hard to stay mad at him, but she can never. He means the world to her, and she knows he only wants the best for her. So she flips over to look at him, tugs him into bed, and buries her head in his neck, his smell soothing her as his arms wrap around her. Luffy plops down by their heads, his purrs reaching their ears. 

This is one of the many moments she wants more of. To be in the arms of the man she loves, to feel safe and comforted. She wants to love Ricky and have him love her back in return, so she lets him know her feelings by planting a small, chaste kiss on his neck. Her arms tighten around him, a silent apology for being short with him.

“... I’ll think about it,” she finally says. She looks up at him. “Will you come with me?”

“You want me to?”

She nuzzles him again and nods. His hand goes to her head and gives her small scratches, and she sighs in contentment. “... I would like you to…” Her voice is small and quiet. She doesn’t want to force him, but she doesn’t think she can do this without him. “I need you.”

He sighs, and she ignores the reluctance he let out, ignores the way his body stiffens when she kisses his neck. “You don’t need me, Gi. You can handle it on your own. I know you can.” He moves to extricate himself from her, but she fastens her hold on him. “Gina…”

“Just stay here with me, please. I missed you. A lot.”

She presses her lips to his neck again, moves up along his jaw, and the motion eventually has her moving on top of him, straddling his hips with his hands on her back. Despite feeling the hesitance in his touch, she keeps kissing him. Her lips ghost his ear, and she revels in the way he sharply takes in a breath. 

“Did you miss me?” she whispers into his ear.

“Yes, but not in this way.” He lets out a soft hiss when she presses her hips against his. “Gina—”

She shuts him up by kissing him, and when she slips her tongue in his mouth, seeks his tongue and coaxes him, she feels his resolve crumble as he reciprocates the kiss. 

It’s not real, and she knows it, but she very much wishes it was and pretends it is. She pretends he marks her up as a way to let her know that she’s his and no one else’s, pretends that when he kisses her, when he enters her and moves in a way that has her screaming his name unashamedly, that he is giving himself to her because he’s in love with her. 

She’s a fool, a side character in love with the lead, but she will play the fool as long as she can have him. 

* * *

“I saw Nini over break.”

The words are heavy, hurting her like a shotgun firing rounds at her heart. She stays where she is, her head on his chest, listening to it beat steadily, all too aware of how it does not beat for her. His fingers trace patterns on her bare shoulder, and she wonders if he’s writing a letter to her that consists of only “I’m sorry”. 

“How is she?” she asks, her voice betraying her as it cracks. 

“She’s good. She’s doing well.”

Tears escape her eyes before she even knows it. “You still love her?”

He breathes, his chest rising and falling, her along with it. She hears it in the way his heart speeds up before he even says it. “... yeah.”

“Does she still love you?”

“... she does.” 

“... when will you get back together?” There’s no use in asking if they will be; it’s an inevitable outcome, one that has been looming over her forever. 

“Graduation.”

Gina says nothing, only squeezes her eyes shut, a poor attempt to keep the tears at bay, but they fall anyways onto Ricky’s chest. 

* * *

If there is anything Gina is good at, she’s exceptional at ignoring things, things being her feelings and whatever can hurt her. It’s a careful practice, one that she has dedicated almost her entire life to. She ignored the loneliness that she grew accustomed to over the years from moving, her small world with a population of only herself and her mother. She ignored the gnawing sensation of something missing when she stopped dancing seriously. She ignored the heartbreak that came when Ricky and Nini got back together back in high school. All of this for the sake of pushing onward, moving on with life no matter how bad she felt; there was no time to feel bad for anything. 

Despite years of experience, it’s hard to ignore Ricky being in love with Nini. It’s easy to forget sometimes, when she’s hanging out with him and he makes her laugh or when they’re in bed and her name is on his lips, but when she’s alone, when she’s not occupied and only has loneliness to entertain her, intrusive thoughts of Ricky and Nini scream loud in her mind. 

It only got worse when he told her about his winter break, how they hung out, and admitted their feelings to each other. She imagines them looking at each other, so in love, breaths stolen. The picture swirls into them kissing, sweet and chaste kisses that turn needy and heated, swirling again to Ricky’s hands running over Nini’s bare skin, gripping onto her like a lifeline, and eventually, she sees them naked and sweaty, tangled in each other, fucking slowly and sensually, fast and hard. At the end of it all, they cuddle, look into each other’s eyes, and profess their love again. 

She can’t ignore how whenever she looks at Ricky nowadays, her mind’s manifestation of Nini is not far behind him, draping herself all over him, looking at Gina with a cruel, triumphant look on her face as if saying, “I win again.” 

So she avoids Ricky instead, thankful that their busy schedules have been keeping them apart. Ricky still leaves notes on their board, he still texts her picture of dogs, his shoes are still cluttered by the shoe rack, and before she would welcome the signs of his presence, her heart singing at the sight. Now, she turns a blind eye, anything to keep the pain from blooming in her chest. 

Gina lets out a frustrating sigh as she rubs at her tired eyes. She hasn’t slept properly, sacrificing precious and much needed hours of sleep to study for exams, and she’s unsure if it’s even worth it. Her grades are still strong, but she’s barely understanding the material these days, the words on the slides melding together to form one big blur. Spring break is in a week, or rather after two exams, and she’d rather it be here sooner than later for the welcome respite more than her paid trip to LA. 

She’s still unsure about going. There are so many talented dancers out there who have been dancing longer than her, who are younger and better, and she seriously doubts she would do well out there, especially since she hasn’t been training at all. However, a small part of her wants her to take the chance, see what happens, because, like Ricky said, she’ll never know unless she tries. 

It’s laughable, Ricky’s advice. She wonders why he couldn’t take his own and take a chance with her, let Nini stay in the past and have Gina become his present, but she supposes she’s just as bad as him, falling for him again four years later. 

Her phone vibrates, and her eyes flit to the screen to see Ricky’s name. She’s on a roll with studying and does not want to break the rhythm and also because she’s still avoiding him, but she misses him, and once again, she surrenders to her stupid, nonsensical heart. 

00:12 **Ricky Bowen** sent: _i bought a ticket to LA! It was so cheap :O_

00:12 **Ricky Bowen** sent: _we’ll have a good spring break!_

* * *

Gina’s exhausted, but she thinks about Ricky’s advice, shooting shots, seizing the day, having no regrets, going to LA and auditioning, going to LA and spending her free time with Ricky, and she musters up the courage to enter their home, guns ablazing, marching straight up to Ricky, wrapping a hand around his neck to pull him to her, and planting her lips on his. She inhales him, the citrus and spice, and pulls back to look at him, determination fiercely set in her jaw.

“Please be mine before you go back to her.”

In her mind, imaginary Nini scowls at her before she walks out of their apartment, and it’s finally just her and Ricky. 

Maybe, just maybe she can change fate.

* * *

LA is a whirlwind of touristy attractions, beautiful weather, and more beautiful people. LA is where she holds hands with Ricky, where he smiles at her and sorta looks at her like she’s his world. LA is where they eat so much Asian and Mexican cuisine, sharing dishes once again so that Gina can try what piqued her interest on the menu, and it is also where they go and get drunk off of boozy cocktails. LA is where they go all out with the money because it’s Ricky’s last spring break and she has him all to herself. He’s hers, and hers, and hers. 

LA is where he’s hers and not Nini’s.

LA is where they’re tucked into a secluded corner outside of the dance studio, where he gives her a good luck kiss without her asking for it before her audition, where he stays leaning into her, nose grazing hers, his arm wrapped snugly around her waist to hold her close to him, to whisper into her mouth words of encouragement before the audition, where he looks into her eyes and she sees a future with him.

LA is where she dances her heart out, puts soul into her movements, catches the eye of the choreographer in the room along with the scouts, who write notes onto their clipboard, where she’s called back twice into a room where the crowd of auditionees are dwindled down to more than three times the original size, where she shakes her knee as she waits in the lobby to perform a solo and freestyle, where all these people behind a table watch her dance with poker faces and continue to scribble, where she waits some more until someone comes out with contracts and announces that she and several others are offered the opportunity to be signed.

LA is where her childhood dream comes true, where she runs into Ricky’s arms as he swings her around, just as excited as she is, where he kisses her underneath the starry night and the bright white lights of the LACMA and tells her how proud he is of her, where her love grows tenfold, twentyfold, until it feels like her heart could burst at the seams from the amount of happiness she’s experiencing. 

LA is where Gina looks into Ricky’s eyes and falls in love with him all over again. 

* * *

Gina’s head is in the clouds, catching future glimpses of her life as a signed talent. She sees herself on stage, supporting artists, working with big name choreographers, and possibly dancing with some of her idols, dancers who have influenced her movement and style. 

Ever since their return from LA, she has been more motivated than ever. She would use the pent up energy to continue training, weight lifting in the gym and taking as many classes as she can, especially when a choreographer she likes is in the area for a competition and holding workshops. Schoolwork hasn’t been a chore for her, and she predicts she will make Dean’s List once again. 

On top of all that, she’s in a relationship with Ricky. Or at least it feels like she is. Physical intimacy hasn’t been anything new between the two of them, but it’s elevated and evolved into “normal” couples’ intimacy. Butterflies in her stomach rage whenever he kisses her on the cheek or the forehead, when they hold hands in public, or when they’re watching TV and she snuggles up against him. It’s everything she ever wanted. 

It’s all so believable that she forgets that Nini is the one who has Ricky’s heart. But it doesn’t matter because right now she’s absolutely happy. She’ll deal with the heartbreak later.

Roxy and Dylan, however, are not happy with the situation. 

“Gina… I don’t think you should continue this,” Roxy says, voice softer than her usual booming volume. 

It’s late at night, and they’re situated at one of the tables at the library trying to study until Gina gets a text from Rick and her face positively beams at it. 

“Hm? Continue what?” Gina replies without looking up, attention on sending a text back.

“Look, I know you’re happy and all… but it’s going to be really bad at the end of all this.” 

Gina sighs as she puts down her phone and looks at her friends. “I’ll be fine. I know what I’m doing. I know what I signed up for.”

“Girl, you signed up to be friends with benefits all the while you had feelings.” Roxy is leaning forward over the table, eyebrows furrowed with worry. “As good as the dicking must have been, you did not look happy, not like you did before the end of the school year last year.”

“Yes, but it’s better now. I am happy. It’s been really good recently with him.”

“Is it? You asked him to be yours before he goes back to his ex,” Dylan finally speaks up, frown etched on his face. “Whatever you think he feels, it’s not real.”

Gina huffs a sigh as she leans back in her chair, almost lying down, as she wipes the tiredness off of her face with her hands. “Look, I appreciate the concern, you two, but we’re happy together.”

Roxy and Dylan give each other identical looks of worry before looking back at Gina. She stops them with a hand before they’re able to say anything, and sits up to pore over the diagrams on the powerpoint slides. 

“Let’s just continue, please? The exam is tomorrow.”

They’re tight lipped, but they eventually drop the topic and move on to reviewing the circulatory system. 

Gina goes home that night and lies down next to Ricky, who is already sleeping. She tells herself that they’re happy over and over and over until all the doubt in her disappears before she feels the pull of sleep. 

* * *

It’s already been a month since spring break, which Gina notices as she looks at her planner. Ricky’s graduation is penned down for the second week of May, also a month away. 

“Hey, want to dress up and go out somewhere tonight?” she shouts out to Ricky who’s in the kitchen preparing their drip coffee, probably the only thing he knows how to make. 

“Why?”

“It’s, like, our one month anniversary.” She feels the corners of her mouth turn up, feeling like a teenage girl with an urge to roll around in bed and scream into her pillow. “I think it’s worth celebrating.” 

She hears him stop moving for a tiny second before he resumes shuffling about the kitchen. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, we can finally check out that fancy bar you’ve been telling me about now that I’m 21.” 

Ricky returns to their bedroom with their mugs in his hands. He’s silent as he hands her one before he goes around the bed to sit down. Uneasiness settles over her, her happy feelings moving to the side to make room for it.

“Ricky?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure. We can go out.” He smiles at her, like the previous moment never happened at all. 

It plants a small sliver of doubt in her, but she leans over and kisses him anyways.

* * *

Gina pulls out all the stops for their monthiversary: she puts on her smokey eye, puts product in her hair that smooths out the frizz in her curls, wears a red long bell-sleeved short bodycon dress with a deep V cut, and slips on strappy stilettos that show off her toned legs for days. She’s satisfied with her look as she spins around in the mirror, and she hopes it stops Ricky in his tracks.

“Wow, I didn’t know we were dressing to the super 9’s.” 

She turns back to see him in just jeans and boots and a plain button up. “Well, yeah, duh. Special occasion and all.” Rolling her eyes, she goes over to their closet and looks for a specific pair of dress pants that shapes his ass so nicely along with a nicer button up and a skinny tie, and she throws the articles of clothing at him. “You’re so hopeless without me. Put these on.”

She sashays out of the room, putting an extra sway to her step, but before she leaves completely, she looks over her shoulder to see Ricky taking off his shirt and looking in the mirror, frowning that he wasn’t watching her. She shakes the feeling off, determined to have a good night with him.

* * *

It’s a good night. They catch up over dinner at the swanky New American restaurant whose prices are way above their usual price range, laugh like usual, Ricky’s own being music to her ears, and get wine tipsy. The liquid courage makes her bold as she clings to his side when they head over to the bar Ricky wanted to check out, kissing his cheek and enjoying the way his hand grips her hip. The lights are dim low, but she can still see how beautiful Ricky is despite how she feels the world swaying, the flush from alcohol tinting his cheeks as he smiles at her. Her heart swells at the sight, and she can’t believe how far they’ve come, how after all these years apart and how after the past rollercoaster of a year, they’re both here with each other. 

But then he pulls her closer in the booth they’re situated in, and she wants more, wants to be closer, needs to feel his heat and his skin, so she puts her hand on his thigh and leans in, tasting the wine on his lips, tongue curling against his. It’s too much and not enough, he’s still so far away, so she breaks the kiss and looks at him with parted lips, eyes pleading. His own are glazed over as he nods in understanding. He gets them a car ride home, in which they can’t keep their hands off each other, and once their apartment door closes, he slams her against the wall and devours her.

He’s nothing but intoxicating, a sweet honey liquor that she laps up reverently, her body singing praises for him as she moves against him. She gasps into his mouth, an offering which he accepts wholly, and in return to show his gratitude, he pushes the dress up and her underwear out of the way, his hands burning her, and he finally gives himself to her. 

There’s a rush of serotonin in her brain along with emotions, deep felt emotions that she has slowly been uncovering since their trip to LA. She has been sifting through them all, reaching for the one she did her best to stay buried, and unearths it, coveting it and holding it close to her heart. It warms her, fills her as he hits that spot that lights her nerves on fire and has her crying out in pleasure.

It’s on the tip of her tongue, it always was. It has been kept back safely, her lips being iron gates that were sealed shut, but she’s so drunk, the lack of inhibition being the key to opening those very gates, having her mumble it into his mouth before a long drawn moan comes out of her, her body seizing when blessed euphoria crests over her, and she sinks into the ocean of aftershocks, him diving in right after her. 

He carries her to their bed where she gives him sleepy kisses, tracing the three words onto his chest before falling asleep. 

* * *

When she wakes up, she sees Ricky, still in his clothes from the night before, sitting on the side of the bed facing the sun streaming through their window. Reaching over, she runs her fingers on his spine, prompting him to turn around and look at her. She sits up and is about to lean over to give him a peck but stops when he leans away. There’s a tiny pang in her heart, minuscule, but it hurts all the more. 

He looks back, eyes casting downward. “Do you remember what you said last night?”

“You gotta be more specific, Ricky,” she teases, a small smirk on her lips. “I said a lot of things, during dinner, when we were drinking… against the wall.” 

“Against the wall.” His voice comes out low, empty of any mirth. Crawling over, she looks and sees how his profile is serious, jaw clenched. 

She frowns, not liking the way he sounded or how he looked. Worry creeps upon her as she tries to recall, but all she remembers is the way he pounded into her, the memory making her core stir. “I honestly don’t remember, Ricky, it was all a blur. And I was drunk.”

He turns to face her all stone-faced. She can’t tell if he’s furious or sad, and it scares her. “Do you really love me?”

“Yes.” The word is out of her mouth before she can even think about it. A weight is off her chest only to be replaced by a different burden, a heavier one that crushes her. 

“Gina,” he starts before facing the sun once again, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “We really can’t do this anymore. _I_ can’t do this anymore.”

Another pang, a deep one, a stab more so than a bruise. “What?”

“I told you before, before all of this, that I didn’t want this to turn into anything.”

She’s silent, and she thinks back to the past month. All the kisses, hugs, cuddles, hands being held, she believed them, every single one of them. “Are you saying you don’t?”

He picks his head up to her, brown eyes full of sorrow. “Gina, no. I’m in love with Nini. I’ve always been. You knew that.”

“But… this past month… I thought you were falling for me.” Her heart weakens as it takes another hit, its life force draining away, bleeding out on the ground. “I did my best to have you be mine.”

“I did it because you asked.” Sighing, he sits up again and turns to face her as he brings his fingers to his eyes, pressing firmly against them. He breathes out. “This past month might have seemed great to you, but I was honestly struggling so much.” He removed his hands, allowing Gina to see the tears that welled up. “It was just me lying to you every single day, and it killed me inside knowing how much I was hurting you.”

She shakes her head, unable to believe anything that was coming from his mouth. “What are you talking about? I felt… I thought I felt… I thought you felt the same.” Her breath becomes shaky as her vision blurs. “You don’t love me?”

“Not in the way you want me to.”

Anger surges through her as her thoughts crash into one another, her head a mess of whys jumbled with picking apart the memories to see what went wrong. “Why? I did everything for you, I was making you happy.”

“I appreciate everything you did for me, but…” He lets out a sigh of frustration as he runs a hand through his curls. “I may not have been happy, Gina, but I tried my best to make you happy.”

Her eyes narrow, and she feels like a tea kettle, boiling to a high heat, waiting to release pent up steam. “Are you saying this is my fault?”

“What? No. I don’t blame you for any of this.”

“That’s what it fucking sounds like, Ricky.”

She gets out of the bed and starts taking off her jewelry from last night, tears running down her face as she tosses them carelessly onto her nightstand. Her sniffles are loud as she bends down to unstrap her heels, letting out frustrated hiccups when her foot wasn’t coming out. Once they come off, she throws them across the room, hitting the wall with a loud thud and not caring if it left a mark.

“Gina—”

“Why can’t you love me?” she shrieks, her question echoing in their room. She feels utterly vulnerable, her poor heart already in pieces on the floor laid out bare to the man before her. “I’m the one that’s been here for you. I’m the one that has supported you, not her.” She wipes away the tears, but it’s all for naught as they spill faster than she can breathe. Then she’s plagued by a harrowing thought that stills her to shock, her eyes widening at the realization. “Were you thinking of her this entire time?” 

“What!?” Ricky stands up, hurt shining in his own eyes. “No! Absolutely not.”

“Was it her you were fucking or was it me?” she practically sobs out. 

“Gina, I only saw you. You need to believe me on that.” His eyes are frantic as he crosses the room to her, reaching out, but she smacks his hand away. “Please, I only thought of you. Honest.” 

She shakes her head, not willing to believe him. “You told me yourself. You’re a liar.”

“Now you’re just twisting my words.”

“You lied to me this whole time! Everything that happened in the past month was all a fucking lie!”

“Gina, listen to me!” he yells at her, and she jumps at the sound. Taking a deep breath, he relaxes, letting go of whatever anger he was feeling. “I do have some feelings for you, and I only thought of you, I swear. But my feelings for you are not as strong as what I have for Nini. And I’m sorry, but I told you countless times that I never wanted anything out of this. I’ve tried so hard to be that guy for you, but I couldn’t fill those shoes, and you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve anything half-assed. In another place, in another time, maybe we would have been together. Maybe I would have let go of Nini and found happiness with you, but this is where we are.”

She crosses her arms and looks away from him, cradling her broken heart, trying to suppress the sobs that bubble up to her throat. Looking back at him, she sniffles. “I love you, Ricky.”

“I know. I’ve always known.” He shakes his head, curls swaying with him. “I tried to stay away, but… it was hard because… I was always worried for you. You were lonely and needed a friend. You always were, even when we were in East High. And when I did try to leave, to stop myself from hurting you even further, it broke my heart to hear you say you didn’t want me to, to hear how lonely you sounded.”

They both fall silent, tempers fading away leaving burning embers and broken hearts. Gina keeps crying, and she hates how everything he said she didn’t want to listen to, but she knows that deep down, he is absolutely right. She couldn’t blame him at all. All he was doing was catering to her selfish whims, flawlessly acting out the role she wanted him to play. She was always the tragic heroine in this story, the Eponine fated to be alone. 

“I’m going to stay over at Wes’s until graduation. I don’t think I should be here with you anymore. I’m only going to make everything worse for you if I stay, and I don’t want that.” 

She continues to cry silently as she watches him pack a duffel bag of clothes and other necessities. She wants to reach out so badly, say that she’ll do better, ask him not to leave her, repeat the scene again and have it end the same, but it’s over and it will end this way now. All of what happened in the past year, all the good and bad memories she shared with him, only to be stamped with this sad conclusion. 

Duffel bag over his shoulder, he walks to her, sadness in his brown eyes. He gives her a hug, squeezes her, and she holds onto him, squeezing him back. When he moves to break away, she clings on to him, tries to keep him with her, but he grips her elbows and removes her from him, his face twisting in pain at the sound of her sobs. The loss of him has her feeling cold. 

“I’m sorry, Gina.”

He leaves again, and this time for good.

* * *

Finals have passed, and Gina barely scraped by, struggling with the questions when her mind was barely focused, only thinking of Ricky and remembering the month of bliss she had with him before it all turned to shit. It’s self-sabotage, she knows, but it’s all she ever thinks about nowadays along with how empty the apartment is now without his presence. His clothes and belongings are packed up and sitting in the corner of their bedroom. There are no more pictures on their whiteboard, his shoes aren’t scattered, his mug no longer in the sink. All traces of him were gone. It was only her and Luffy since he left, and every night since his departure, her heartbreak would come back full force, loud and unwanted, and leave her crying and emotionally spent.

She’s sitting in her apartment with Roxy and Dylan on both sides of her on the couch drinking Roxy’s many bottles of leftover vodka when she spills everything that has happened in the past two months. It’s hard to talk about, especially sober, and even harder when she’s drunk because all she wants to do is cry. 

“I’m going to fucking kill him!” Roxy spits out as she seethes with anger. She pours herself a shot of vodka and shoots it to the back of her throat, her look of fury not faltering despite the burn.

“No… It was my fault.” Gina shakes her head morosely, her tresses getting everywhere. “I… didn’t want to listen to him, to you, or to my own head. I knew what was going to happen, and I knew there was a deadline. I just… I guess I really thought that I could prevent it from happening and have him forget her.” 

Dylan pulls her into his chest, and she accepts the comfort he was giving her. “I’m sorry this happened to you, Gina. You definitely deserved better.”

“I know… I was just too in love with him to know better.” 

“He still sucks,” Roxy mutters as she sips on her cranberry vodka. She swallows before she falls silent, staring at nothing.

“Rox?” Dylan’s chest vibrates, and Gina remembers how Ricky’s would, too, when she cuddled with him. The thought strikes a chord in her, and she feels worse than before.

“I mean… I hate what he did to you… but… thinking about it, he really is a good guy. He only thought of your happiness this entire time, even going so far as to leave because he always knew that he was hurting you.” She sighs as she takes another sip. “I hate to say it, but… he is a good friend.”

Gina knows all too well. 

Later, when her blood turns to alcohol and Roxy and Dylan are fast asleep on her bed with Luffy in between them, she steps outside of her apartment building and calls Ricky, who, to her surprise, picks up.

“ _Gina_ _?_ ”

“... Hi.” She takes deep breaths as she feels her nose sting and her eyes well up at the sound of his voice. 

“... _are you okay_ _?_ ” The concern in his voice touches her, moves her so much that she starts to cry.

“Yeah, I’m good. I just. I miss you. I miss you so much.”

“... _Gina_.”

“I’m sorry,” she sputters out. “I just wanted to let you know.”

He’s silent before his voice crackles through the phone, asking, “ _Where are you? Are you safe?_ ”

“Don’t worry. I’m home. I’m just outside.” She plops herself down on the grass and starts picking at it. “I want to see you.”

“ _Gina, I can’t. You know I can’t. I probably shouldn’t have picked up, either, but I was worried you were out and not safe._ ” He sighs. “ _I should go._ ”

She grips the grass, the blades tickling her hand. “No, wait, please. Please don’t. Just... stay on the phone with me.” She lies down, the world spinning as she does so, the few visible stars that shine in the night sky a blur.

She listens to him breathe, hears the wind rustling the leaves on the trees and music playing loudly down the street. It’s not anything like him being there with her, but it’s good enough for her. Everything was always good enough for her, and she was too stubborn to see she can do better, blinded by her feelings for Ricky.

“Can you sing for me?”

He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, and she thinks he’s fallen asleep before his soft tenor rings through. She remembers when he sang to her all those months ago, the memory bringing tears to her eyes. He continues even as she cries, his voice both comforting and painful. 

* * *

Northeastern’s commencement is bustling with crowds of families and friends gathered to see graduates walk and get their diploma. Ricky’s own school’s commencement is on a lawn with the sun out radiating a gentle warmth on this beautiful day. 

Gina’s body thrums with nervous energy, her leg jiggling in anticipation as she sits by herself surrounded by people she doesn’t know. She hasn’t seen Ricky since that awful morning, texting him every other day to talk about nothing only to receive sparse replies. The ceremony takes a while, speeches droning on before it’s time for the handing out of diplomas. She finally sees him after so long when he walks on the stage to shake hands with the dean and accept his diploma placeholder, big smile on his face. Her heart hurts at the sight of him, hurts that he looks completely fine when she was downright miserable, but she wills herself not to cry, clapping for him knowing that he worked so hard to earn the award. 

She thinks about leaving after it’s over, but once again, she’s selfish and probably masochistic, so she walks around to find him, thinking of what to say when she’s near him. There are so many things that are on her mind that she would like to tell him, how much she misses him, how much she would like him back in her life somehow, how much she’s hurting from her mistakes, how upset she still is even though it’s been a month and change, how much still loves him, wholly, deeply, aboundingly.

Her thoughts come to an abrupt end when she sees Nini standing by Ricky’s parents, stepdad, and Big Red at a tree. The woman she hasn’t seen since high school has grown even more beautiful, her hair now cut off just below chin length, making her appear mature and refined. She watches her interact with his family, her laugh ringing in the air and reaching her ears. Bitter thoughts come to her as she thinks of how that was supposed to be her standing there because after all, she was the one who had been at his side for the past year and a half. 

But then Ricky comes running into the scene, his big entrance catching their attention as well as Gina’s, and her heart skips a beat despite the pain. His mother has tears in her eyes as she kisses him, and he moves on to shake hands with his stepdad and give a great big hug to his dad and Big Red. 

When he goes up to Nini, Gina sees a different expression on Ricky’s face that she has never seen before. It’s utter happiness, softness, and it’s… she hates to admit it, but it’s love written all over his face for Nini and everyone else to see, and it’s only reflected back on Nini’s face. Gina pulls up the memories again, compares pictures of the Ricky she knew, her very own Ricky to the one in front of her now, and she’s slapped in the face with the disappointing revelation. 

‘He never looked at me like that.’

She turns heel and walks away from the sight before she can break down.

* * *

“Gina! Shit, fuck, wait!” Roxy shouts as she attempts to catch up with Gina, whose longer legs take her closer to the bar where Ricky is at. “Gina!”

Dylan, on the other hand, who’s taller than both of them, does a better job as he grabs a hold of her hand and yanks her back. “Nuh uh, we are not doing this today, Gina.” 

“Fucking let go of me, Dylan,” she whines as she tries to rip her hand away from his grip, but she’s way too drunk, and he’s stronger and holds her steadfastly. 

“No, I am not allowing you to make a fool out of yourself in front of Ricky and his family.” 

“I’m already a goddamn fucking fool. Who the fuck cares.” She still tugs on her hand, and she lets out a frustrated yell. “Let go!”

“Gina, shut the fuck up!” Roxy clamps a hand on her mouth, but all Gina does is spit in her hand. “Fuck you, bitch, I’m doing this shit for you.” 

“Please, Gina, let’s go home,” Dylan tells her, begs her.

She shakes her head furiously, the motion dizzying and having her trip into Dylan’s arms. She needs to see it again. She needs to see Ricky and Nini look at each other absolutely in love just so that she can feel her heart break all over again. Inhaling she takes a deep breath, her vision swimming from the amount of alcohol she drank. 

“Gina?”

She feels Dylan and Roxy freeze and look behind her with eyes wide, as if they were both deer in headlights. “What are you guys looking at?”

“Shit…” Roxy whispers panickedly. She leans over to Dylan, saying, “We need to get her out of here now!”

“Gina, is that you?”

“Uh, no, this is not Gina!” Dylan squeaks out. “You probably have mistaken her.”

“Are you an idiot?” Gina slurs out as she finally gets out of Dylan’s hold. “I’m Gina.” 

“Gina! Hey!” 

She turns to her side, finally realizing that someone else was saying her name. She squints at the shorter girl, whose smile gradually turns into a frown. “Is that you, Nini?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” she starts before she looks at her friends. “Is she okay?”

“No, far from it, and you are not helping the situation,” Roxy says with a glare, which upsets Gina.

“Hey, don’t look at her like that, she’s my friend.” With that, she pulls Nini in by the shoulders and gives her a sloppy side hug. She feels Nini’s own arms hesitatingly wrap around her waist, her hold tightening as she struggles against Gina putting her weight against her. She looks down at Nini, whose height remained unchanged over the years, and takes in her long lashes, her ruby painted lips, and small nose. She’s even more beautiful up close, and jealousy stirs within her. Nini looks at her worriedly, which she ignores. “We’re friends, right? Even though me and Ricky fucked?”

“Ohhhh-kay! We have got to go now!” Dylan pulls on her hand again only to be swatted away by Gina’s own.

“Noooo, she’s my friend.” She bows her head and places it on top of Nini’s, who grunts as she takes all of Gina into her arms. “We’re eskimo sisters.”

“I’m so sorry about her,” Dylan apologizes as he tries to help Nini. “We really tried to stop her.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” she laughs awkwardly. She quickly thanks the man before she says, “I can take her to the bathroom. The bar’s right there.” 

“Are you an idiot!? Ricky will see her, and that is the last thing she needs,” Roxy says angrily.

Gina picks her head up and looks around. “Ricky? Where is he?” Holding her head becomes a chore, so she drops her head against Nini’s again and laughs. “I love him. Did you know that, Nini?”

“Why the hell are you getting so angry at Nini? She did nothing wrong! Step back and cool off now,” Dylan scolds Roxy before turning back to Nini. “I’m so sorry. We really care about Gina, and she’s definitely not in a good place right now.”

“I know.” Nini’s voice is so small, sounds very sad, and Gina perks up at that. 

“Why do you sound like that?” she asks. She takes a step back, and another, almost losing her balance before both Dylan and Nini steady her. “Why do you sound like you’re sorry?’

Before Nini has anything to say, Gina feels the liquid contents in her stomach bubble and slosh around, the unpleasant feeling giving her a cotton ball feeling in her mouth. She feels herself being ushered into the alley next to the bar where she bends over with her hands on the wall holding her up and finally throws up. Someone is rubbing circles on her back, softly telling her to let it all out. She spits and groans, hating the way her stomach was acting up, and she ends up emptying her stomach on the ground again. The voices around her become muffled, overpowered by her loud breathing as she focuses on throwing up another time. 

“You’re doing great,” she hears Nini say. “If you got more, just keep going.”

“I’m not doing great, Nini,” she replies hoarsely, her throat scratchy from the acid, as she tries to breathe. “I’m doing pretty shit right now.”

A glass is put in front of her. “Here, take small sips.”

Gina complies, the cool water sliding down her throat and giving her relief. She takes another mouthful, swishes it around her mouth, and spits it out, handing the water back to whomever gave it to her.

“I’m so goddamn drunk,” she huffs out. 

“You really are,” Nini agrees from her side, a little laugh coming out. “Didn’t think our reunion would be like this.”

“Didn’t think that Ricky would still choose you again.”

Nini falls silent at that, the circles pausing before they continue again at a slower pace. “I’m sorry.”

“What’s there to be sorry about? I’m the one who put myself through this. I made him stay with me. You were on another continent.” She laughs bitterly as tears spring to her eyes. She remembers high school, losing to Nini the lead role in the musical and losing Ricky to her the first time. “I’m always going to be second best, aren’t I? I still can’t win against you even with a stupid ocean between us.”

“There’s no winning in this, Gina. Everyone loses here.” 

She scoffs. The water is back in her face, which she takes a few sips from before she shoves it in the hands of whomever, the cold water spilling over her fingers. “You didn’t lose. Stop kidding yourself.” She breathes again, the big intake of air making her retch. 

Nini is all but quiet as she leans over to tie Gina’s hair back. Her hand falls back on to Gina’s back, continuing the small circles before she speaks again. “I lived this past semester knowing that you two were sleeping with each other even though me and Ricky agreed over winter break that we would get back together when I returned from London for good. I mean, we were technically not together at the time and I wasn’t going to tell him he couldn’t be with you, but he promised me he was going to end things with you when he came back here only to tell me he couldn’t. So... I let him be with you as much as it killed me to know.”

The confession sobers Gina up. She looks to Nini by her side who smiles sadly at her. “You let him?”

“I guess that sounds weird, huh? Like I’m giving him permission? But… I did sit back and just let it all happen. I couldn’t fight against his decision to be with you once more.”

“He wanted to be with me?” she asks incredulously. 

Gina couldn’t believe what she was hearing, shocked as if she was dunked into a ice cold vat of water. She stands up and moves to the brick wall behind her, leaning against it as she ruminates over Nini’s words. 

“Maybe not in the way you wanted him to be, but in the best way he could. He cares a lot about you, you know that?” The woman pushes hair behind her ear and looks down, long lashes covering her eyes. “At first, he did feel himself falling for you, before you two moved in together. And he thought that maybe he could move on with you… but he said he didn’t feel anything.” Her head picks up as she makes eye contact with Gina, and all she sees is the truth in them, the truth that Ricky has told her repeatedly. “That said, he didn’t want to leave you alone. He said that… he thought that you needed him as a friend, and he did his best to give that to you.”

The word “friend” rolls in her mind, and she thinks back to her friendship with Ricky, how fun it was. All the times he made her laugh, supported her in her studies and in her budding dance career, when they simply studied together or went shopping for groceries, the movies and TV shows they watched together, how they teased each other nonstop, and she realizes that she misses all of that even more than when she was in a pseudo-relationship with him. 

Sliding down the wall, she sits down and puts her head in her hands, guilt eating away at her over the loss of Ricky’s friendship done by her own hand. “I miss him so much.”

“He misses you, too. He misses you a lot,” Nini tells her. She comes over to where she’s sitting and kneels down. She reaches out and takes one of Gina’s hands in hers. “You can still talk to him, you know?”

She shakes her head as she takes her hand away, Nini’s touch a hot iron on her skin, branding her with her forgiveness and kindness that she didn’t deserve. “I fucked everything up with him. I can’t look at him without feeling this… huge gaping hole in my chest. Like something’s missing from me.” Picking her head back up, she props it against the wall behind her and looks at the woman next to her. “I really put myself through this. I thought I was going to be fine if I did what I did, even if I knew he was going to go back to you. But I don’t think I am.” Her chest heaves, voice cracking under the pressure of sobs that spill from her. “I don’t think I will be.”

“Gina, you will.” Nini gives her a look similar to how Ricky looked at her, one that conveyed love and concern, the kind of love between friends, and Gina finally accepts that she had mistaken his feelings all along. “It might suck right now, but you will be okay. It will take time to heal from all of this. You have to give yourself that.”

Gina finally lets go and cries, shoulders shaking as she brings her knees into her chest, wrapping her arms around them and laying her head on them as Nini squeezes her bicep comfortingly. 

* * *

It took some time getting used to, the grief. Loneliness is something Gina has known her entire life, but grief is different. She never knew loss, not like the way she would move and lose contact with friends, and it wasn't until Ricky’s graduation that she truly understood what it really was. 

Loss was hanging out with Ricky constantly, hearing his voice every day, seeing his bright smile, feeling his hands on her skin, smelling the citrus and spice, tasting his lips, and having all of that gone in an instant. Loss was talking to Ricky every day and seeing his name on her phone screen only to receive no more texts from him. Loss was knowing Ricky and then not knowing him anymore, a best friend turned complete stranger. Loss was him leaving and taking with him a part of her heart that she doesn’t know will ever grow back. Loss was having Ricky all to herself, learning what it was like being with him, loving him wholly, and having it all taken away, his presence in her life going up in smoke, ashes scattered around her. Loss was her sweeping it all up into a pile, protecting it from the elements, unwilling to part from it. 

Once she knew loss, grief settled in and tears shed as she would pull up memories that hurt her and remind her of the wide hole in her chest. Too many nights she wasted her time on reminiscing of what no longer was, of what was never meant to be as Daughter would play in the background, singing of heartbreak that Gina was all too familiar with. Too many days she wasted staring at her ceiling and letting the time pass, not wanting to move, only to do what was necessary. She went through the motions once again, not feeling anything anymore, doing the bare minimum just to get her by.

She wondered if she would ever get out of this rut, if she would ever be okay. Days would go by where she would be okay, she was fine, but then she would be reminded of Ricky when she would listen to an artist he showed her, come across a movie he loved, smelled a whiff of his scent from a stranger, or pass by a restaurant they ate at, and she found herself back at square one, loneliness, depression, and misery giving her company. It was all too disheartening, seeing the progress she would make before she reverted back to the shell of herself, and the motivation would come by less and less. 

But time moved on, with or without her, and eventually, so did she with gritted teeth and a firm resolve, pushing herself off of the ground to finally stand up against the weight of her depression, broken heart slowly mending as she trudged on forward. 

She doesn’t really realize it until she returns back to her small apartment in LA from going on tour with Billie Eilish, tiredly sorting out her mail when she comes across her name written with neat handwriting on what felt like a postcard. Curious, she flips it over and sees a “Save the Date” featuring Ricky and Nini whom she hasn’t seen since his graduation almost seven years ago. 

Her eyes fall on Ricky, who looks older, hair still full of wild curls, a smile gracing his face still as he beams at Nini, and she feels nothing, no pain, no heartache… just nothing.

“Huh,” she says out loud to no one as she looks at the picture of them, Ricky’s arms around Nini as they’re laughing. She smiles at the picture, happiness for the couple filling her up. Luffy, now older but full of energy, meows at her from her feet, and she sits on her haunches to pet him, his content purrs reaching her ears.

She remembers tickle fights, sharing two plates of food that they get stuffed over, walks in the park on summer days, teasing each other to the point of annoyed embarrassment, petty arguments over TV shows, citrus and spice and warm hugs, and the brightness Ricky gave off with his smile, like the high sun at noon. The memories tug at her heartstrings, plucking them and sounding off a melody that was no longer somber, but is full of hope and the promise of better days.

“I guess I’m finally okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> For all the girls and women out there who deserve to be first choice.
> 
> Follow me @__ieatcereal on twitter.


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